My mind is once again swirling. Logan is happily coloring in his new Lightning McQueen Color Wonder book (big thanks to Sara, Brad, Hanna, Kyle and Allison), Adam is paying bills, Isaac is roaming and I'm sitting here on the couch reflecting on life yet again. (Strange how often that happens these days.)
We went to Costco late this morning for lunch and to do some shopping. Costco has always been one of Logan's favorite destinations. I'd call it weird, but truth be told it's a fave of mine as well, so we'll call it genetic. I sat at a table with Isaac while Adam, carrying Logan, got in line at the food ourt. It was then that I noticed a probably-early-twentysomething guy decked out in an A's cap staring at Logan. My little man was wearing a cap that covered his surgical scar, so I assumed he was looking at his eyes, which are still off-kilter, and cause issues with balance as a result.
And I got upset. I didn't say anything, but part of me longed to get in his face and yell 'HE HAS CANCER, YOU DIMWIT! STOP STARING!' Even with crossed eyes, poor balance, a big scar on his head and looming chemo, Logan is still beautiful, sweet and kind. And it hurt me to think back on how things used to be and compare them to how they are now. People often stared at Logan in the past, but then it was because he was a 'pretty' little boy, so vivacious and energetic and happy. I know it's all surface and that it doesn't matter how we look, but it still hurts.
Which brings me to my next observation: There's something about hearing the word cancer that makes us want to turn tail and run, as if it's somehow contagious. I can't judge anyone for that as I too responded in that sort of fashion until a few weeks ago. Cancer made me uncomfortable and skittish, and it was as if somehow by avoiding the person WITH cancer, I could pretend it didn't exist, that it didn't affect anyone at all.
Of course, that's ridiculous. But it was my personal truth, so I thought I'd share it here in case anyone is silently reading along and feeling unsure over what to say. I get it. But don't be afraid.
That said, here's another awkward subject change. A line from the country song 'Life Ain't Always Beautiful' has been playing and re-playing itself in my head all day, so I'll leave you to ponder it:
Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride.