The Logan Update: 11/30/10

It's with no small measure of surprise that I realize we're just hours away from December. Didn't I just type the entry entitled 'Into November We Go' a few days ago? This cold, wintry month brings with it an odd mixture of anticipation and fear, brought about by a unique conflation of certainty and uncertainty.

The certainty: Baby boy will be born at some point before Christmas, ushering in a permanent change in our family structure along with a whole new set of challenges, and of course, joys. The uncertainties are practically as plentiful as the stars in the sky. How will I make it on no sleep when Abby needs to get to school each day and Isaac needs attention? Will my house ever be presentable? How do we coordinate new kinds of help? Will I ever lose the gosh-awful amount of weight I've gained? So many questions, so many unknowns. And so many of them hinge on this upcoming round of chemo: Will this next round be more like cycles 1 and 3, or will it more closely resemble the train wreck that was cycle 2?

Logan will begin cycle 4 tomorrow, pending good blood work (which according to yesterday's draw, he already has in his court). I took him to CHO this morning for his first dose of Synagis, the RSV vaccine; despite the nurse's valiant efforts (which included a hand-knit hat, a shirt and a stack of band-aids), he was not amused by the double-barrel of injections, but fortunately the tears ended quickly and the mood rebounded. He spent the afternoon with grandma while I headed back home to take over Isaac duty and pick up Abby from school. This evening, he chose a trip to Red Tractor for dinner and munched on his fave of late, mac and cheese.

His love of junk food has done excellent things for his weight, per this morning: He was up to 16.2 kg! When he came home back on the 10th, his weight was closer to 14 kg, so we're extremely pleased and thankful that we've managed to help him tank up a bit during his nearly three weeks with us. He's still thin, but I no longer involuntarily cringe when I see his tiny legs, he has significantly more strength (and has been dancing around the house and singing as a result), and he is, if you can look beyond the lack of hair, paler than usual skintone and off-kilter eye, looking quite well. I don't know if I'd ever specifically mentioned my quiet prayer with regard to his weight, but it was that he'd be back up to 16 kg by the start of cycle 4. Isn't that the coolest? I never thought it would actually come to pass but I'm so awed and grateful that it did. To jump from 14 kg to 16 kg in three weeks just seems so amazing; it is, after all, almost 4.5 pounds. Praises to God for those things.

If I'm being honest -- and don't worry, because I am all the time here! -- I'll admit that I'm a little agitated about what's to come in December. We've reached something of a crescendo, the point where the rubber will really meet the road. Up until now, baby #4's arrival has been something of an amorphous concept; he'll come eventually, I'd think, but now 'eventually' is pretty much NOW. I'm super excited to see how God helps us to get through all of this, and how He's going to show Himself in new and amazing ways. He's going to have to show up in incredible and visible ways because there's no way we'd make it if He didn't.

I also admit that for some reason, I'm extra nervous over cycle 4. I don't really know why; maybe it's just worries over whether or not Logan will be home for Christmas, whether he'll get to start his treatment in the immunocompromised ward, where he did well, versus the regular pediatric unit where near-disaster struck, whether or not he'll get to be home when the baby comes home from the hospital, when the baby will show up, and on and on. It's not as if there aren't many things to be worried over. So with all of that said, here's my laundry list of prayer requests to start off your final month of 2010:

- For a smooth cycle 4, with early clearing of methotrexate, no mucusitis and minimal side effects. We'd really like him home with us for Christmas, and for as much time leading up to the 25th as possible. Logan loves the holiday season like no one else in our family; as we drove along in the darkness tonight, he oohed and aahed over the Christmas lights on display, and it made my heart sing to hear so much wonder in his chirpy little voice.
- For a smooth delivery for baby 4, hopefully at a time when Logan is NOT at CHO so Adam and I won't have to stress over Adam potentially missing the birth. My last labor was 4 hours long from start to finish so if I go into labor at the wrong time, he could be on the freeway while I'm giving birth!
- For total eradication of those tumors and an earlier-than-anticipated remission. This feels like a big one and I feel bold for asking for it. But what's the point of praying if you can't be bold and ask for what your heart wants? I'm asking for big things lately. Medically speaking, it takes 5 cycles of regular Headstart chemo plus a transplant cycle -- which is essentially a year of meds crammed into a single round -- to push most kids into remission. But I want that MRI on January 4th to show something amazing. Yes, he'll still have to finish the entire course of treatment, but to go into the final cycles with little to no signs of cancer would be amazing. Utterly amazing. And I still feel like God is promising amazing things here. In fact, when I was awake at 5 this morning and felt the tears coming, I heard Him tell me again to keep holding on; that amazing things are still ahead. And I believe it's true. Please believe that along with me.
- For his health and his spirit. Despite the fears that plagued me as he languished through cycle 2, Logan has been Logan for the past week or so. Vintage, silly, sweet, loving, crazy-dancing and joyfully singing Logan. Please pray that he will maintain that sweetness despite all he's going through and will continue to experience over the course of the next few months.

I think that's enough for now, but rest assured: I'll have more requests soon! Please do pray extra hard over cycle 4: For effectiveness, minimal side effects, no fevers, and a brief stay at CHO. Thank you so much.

Good night, and blessings to you all.