Monday, Monday, why must you suck so?
Today, as has been the case for quite a while now, is more of the same in Logan Land; fever, high pulse, low pulse ox, rapid breathing. As the cherry on top of the crap sundae, his WBC dropped this morning to .4 from last night's glorious high of .6.
I really, really feel like we cannot catch a break. And I simply don't know what to make of it.
I get that as a Christian, I should buck up, brush it off, say 'okay, well, tomorrow will be better because God is in it'. But I can't do that becuse I still cannot seeGod in it. I can't feel Him in the slightest. I thought I saw Him last night with that little WBC increase, but again, just like last week, that little piece of relief was ripped away from me. This goes beyond learning to lean on God, be patient and trust. This borders on cruelty.
Lately, I've felt increasingly empty. To call this a spiritual dry spell would be a gross understatement. I'm begging for peace, for comfort, for real live good news, and I'm getting nothing. Nothing. I really don't know how to respond anymore. I'm not superhuman. There's only so much I can take. I keep feeling like I've reached my breaking point, only to have things get even worse and seem even more hopeless. I know that the worse things get, the better the miracle can be. But as has been the case this whole time, I believe in miracles for other people, but not really for me. I don't know; maybe that's where I'm going wrong. But I can't bear to hope for good things when the door is repeatedly slammed in my fce. I can't bear more of that kind of abuse.