Progress is stalled today: WBC still at .5, platelets low again. He was getting a platelet transfusion, but they had to stop it a little while ago because he started shaking and got really, really cold. On top of that, he has fluid in his lungs and his pulse ox is low again.
I'm feeling increasingly bitter and angry. Why is God letting evil destroy my son? Why? Why am I 8 months pregnant in a hospital room on a Saturday afternoon when almost every other parent I know is having fun with their kids at pumpkin patches? None of this is fair. None of this is excusable. If this is a fight for ME between good and evil, God had better fucking DO something I can see. SOON. And it had better be HUGE. I can't keep pimping God when He lets my baby suffer for NO FUCKING REASON.
And sadly, given my life of late, I feel the need to edit this to specifically say something GOOD, because otherwise He'd probably unleash a nest of hornets in my garage. To believe that God is good, I need to see good things happening, especially when a) i cry out for them incessantly and b) we're dealing with a 4-year old, not a convincted sex offender. To say that I feel like I'm wandering alone in a desert would be an understatement. I feel like God dragged me here against my will and then left me for dead with no food, water, anything. THAT's how it feels.
What is the bloody fucking POINT?
And if one more person tells me I should be grateful for x, y, or z, I'm going to go postal and them them what I REALLY think. I've worked my ass off to save money and it's my RIGHT to be angry that I'm being forced to waste $1200 a MONTH on gas and parking. I want to fire back 'YOU and EVERY OTHER PERSON I KNOW should be grateful that your kid doesn't have CANCER and that YOUR life hasn't gone to hell in a handbasket, now shut UP'.