Today was similar to yesterday for Logan; still lots of medication, WBC count still near 0, still feverish on and off, potassium still low (which is an ongoing issue). In fact, his electrolyte leakage was described by the oncologist (Dr. Golden) this week as "more extreme" than usual. It basically means his body isn't holding onto them as well as it should because of the chemo. They can give him supplements to counteract the issue, but still, well, it's discouraging. Even if it shouldn't be, it is, if only because I'm so bloody sick of bad news.
As for me, to be blunt, I'm struggling. With a lot of things, mainly faith. I worry about writing that because I don't want anyone to judge me, and I know that some of you will. (Nothing personal; I just understand the human mind, and of the 600+ of you out there and potentially reading, it's almost statistically impossible that not a single person would have a judgmental thought cross his or her mind.) It's so inexplicably painful to watch him suffer than I can hardly stand it. Yet I don't want to be away from him, either, so I'm stuck in a place of feeling... tormented. There's really no peace where I am, in this place of life-and-death uncertainty, exhaustion, fear... you name it, I probably feel it. I feel like a hamster on a wheel, going through the motions day after day after day with no end in sight. I'm definitely getting depressed over it all and the hopelessness is setting in. It started setting in a few days ago, really, and now... well, it feels like a foregone conclusion that things just won't work out the way we so desperately want them to. Not because amazing things and miracles don't happen at all, but because they don't happen for me. It all comes back to that, really.
I'm so furious, despondent that I can't pray. Not only that, but to be brutally honest, I don't want to pray. I don't want to deal with God. It's extraordinarily easy to proclaim 'God is Good!' when things go your way and you aren't challenged to the very depth of your being as we're being challenged right now. It's much harder when life absolutely sucks, and I'm not in a place where I can even say it and mean it. I'm tired of begging for relief and getting none. We're all tired. We're coming apart at the seams, really, because we're just marching onward on this horrible path that no one should have to walk. I feel like I neglect Abby and Isaac when I'm with Logan, I worry that I only have limited time left to see Logan at all when I'm at home... there's really no way to win. None. I lose no matter what choice I make.
Anyway, I know this is very negative and I'm sorry for that, but I wanted to post something since I've gotten a few emails asking today. It's silly, really: I'd hoped today would be a good one, just because I'll turn 33 exactly 3 months from today, on 1/11/11. All of those 3s and 1s, two of my favorite numbers. Oh well. We don't always get what we want. Good night.
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