He had chest and abdominal x-rays, a CBC and they drew blood cultures. The chest x-ray was normal, and the abdominal one showed a lot of stool in his bowels. His CBC was okay save the platelet count, which was very low but not low enough to warrant a transfusion --in the 30s. It's not really a big surprise, since he's had frequent nosebleeds lately. They gave him a single dose of a broad-spectrum antibiotic and then sent him on his way.
He's pretty much completely incontinent right now, and unable to bear weight on his legs. And my heart? Completely broken. It desires healing, but it doesn't appear to be coming. And our current reality is just horrible. It's hard to care for the others when my heart is so, so broken. He's my little lamb and I can't fix him. And God, for one reason or another, isn't fixing him, either. I'm watching him fall apart, bit by bit, function by function. It's probably what it's like watching an older person deteriorate, but so much more painful, since we expect our elders to fall apart with time. It's not what we expect for our babies.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and reading about healing, and trying to embrace the healing that I suspect may already be there for Logan. But it's hard. It's hard to see it happening when he's such a shadow of the spritely, bright spirit he once was.
I feel a sense of hostility when I ask for prayers and others feel the need to respond assuring me that God has a plan and that it's not ours to know. I feel anger when I sense a refusal to pray for healing. And I do feel that way from time to time. There are people who probably have good intentions who can't seem to respect my wishes, and those people only add to the heartbreak. The heartache.
Anyway, this is disjointed, but it's where we are. I feel at times that if I could just embrace healing and love, that Logan would be made well. But given my history, it feels like a near-impossible task. Ah well. It is what it is.