Tired

I've avoided writing for a few days now because I haven't felt like putting myself out there for inevitable criticism. I've had a hard time hacking it, so to speak. Logan's behavior during the latter half of the week was horrendous. He whined, cried, fussed, complained and yelled about absolutely everything. He asked when Adam would be home 10 to 12 times per hour and made it very clear that he wanted daddy and not me. While I do feel sorry for him because I know the decadron is brutally hard to handle, I reached my boiling point last night and completely lost my cool. Suffice it to say that there was much yelling, following by an hour sitting alone in my car and then tears. Lots of tears. And not a lot of sleep.

I simply cannot take the abuse that he dishes out day in and day out. I called Philippa Friday to ask about getting him in to see a psychologist at CHO, and hopefully we'll be able to make that happen sooner than later. I don't even know what they can do for him. My gut is that he needs to be taken off the steroids, period. He's been on them for a long while and his personality has changed so dramatically that I know they're to blame. He's not my sunny, sweet, good-natured kid right now. No, he's my yelling, screaming, angry, verging-on-psychopathic 5-year old. It breaks my heart. Shatters it, really. Leaves me asking God when healing will come for good.

Anyway, my heart isn't really in prayer-mode right now so I'm not sure what to ask for. Of course, healing. And I know that God does things in His own dear time, but sooner than later would be so lovely. So restorative. Also, for whatever is going on with Logan's face. The left side of his face has been more swollen than the right ever since he began taking the decadron, but lately, it's as if he's lost some of his affect. His smile is crooked and he cries and talks primarily from the right side of his mouth. (If you're wondering, the original tumor affected his *right* eye, so the opposite site.) He did just have an MRI a few weeks ago that looked fine, but it's still upsetting to see yet another odd thing happening with him. So please pray for resolution of that newer issue.

Thank you and good night.