The good news is that his CSF isn't rife with disease. In fact, there was very little unusual about it. However, there was something unusual about it: A single larger-than-usual cell. He said it wasn't identifiable as a cancer cell, per se, but that it also wasn't a normal cell. So what is it, then? We don't know. His message said he was interpreting the result as negative for disease, but that there's an outside chance that the unidentified cell could be something nefarious. For now, we're continuing with the same oral chemo drugs he's been taking on and off for the past several months, and with the Avastin to help rebuild his spinal cord.
I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't ticked off over not getting a completely clear result. I feel like we've been forced to have a magnitude of faith that far exceeds the faith that others have to have, and it's tiring. Yes, I guess we should rest in the Lord. But let me tell you something: It's hard. It's hard when things are uncertain and when you crave normalcy. It's hard when you see beautiful families with four healthy children and feel that twinge of jealousy. But as I've said hundreds of times over the past 16 months, it is what it is.
But that doesn't mean I take it lying down. No. During my recent prayers, I've really dealt with God on the issue. I've asked Him to be true to His Word. I know that sounds horrible and presumptuous, but in a weird way, it makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I'm doing something rather than just letting life happen to me. To us.
Thank you for continuing to pray for Logan's healing.