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I haven't had a good day. I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to overcome the fear and anger and resentment, but I know that I need to cut myself some slack. I am not, after all, a superhuman. I'm just your average mom stuck in what amounts to hell on earth.

Adam called CHO after a few hours had passed and we hadn't heard back, and we were told to increase Logan's decadron level. To its original dose. I feel so defeated and angry over this. Why is God not healing my son? Why is He letting this happen? Why is life so hard for us? Why are we being forced to put him back on the drug that I hate more than any other drug in existence? The one that makes him moody and unable to sleep? It makes no sense to me. I can't make it make sense, no matter how hard I try.

Were I a wiser, more positive, more faithful person, I might go back to something I wrote long ago and say that it's all okay because bad circumstances just give God a chance to show Himself in undeniable ways. But I'm not that person anymore. In some ways, I'm better. In others, I'm horribly, inexorably jaded. I've seen suffering in the face of my own flesh and blood; in the eyes of one I carried in my own womb. Headlines alleging child abuse and discord make my stomach turn in ways I can't describe; they bring about a sense of rage that's hard to quell. Why are babies dying at the hands of the people who are supposed to love and protect them while I'm struggling --sacrificing just about everything-- to keep mine alive? There's no justice. There's just no justice, no fairness, no equality in this world. I used to think there was, but now I know better.

One of the things that makes me maddest is not knowing why he's lost bladder control. Is it the radiation damage, or is something else going on? I wish they'd image him so we'd just know, once and for all, what exactly is going on inside his back. I hate not knowing. Adam said I could call and share that with the doctors at CHO, but I refrained, in part because I can't hear well right now (courtesy of my ear infection, which currently has me deaf on the right side) and in part because I'm not good at asserting myself.

Sigh. I guess have nothing truly productive to say. I feel, once again, as if I'm going out of my skin. And I'm waiting on God to do something truly mighty, monumental. I'm not a terribly vain person nor do I feel entitled, but damnit, my son deserves better than this. My other children deserve better than this.