Saturday

It's incredible to think that Christmas is a mere week and change away. What happened to the holiday season?

I wish I had positive news to share, but I simply don't. Logan just isn't doing well. His walking is very poor, and in fact, he refuses to walk at all unless he's holding someone's hand. His bowel incontinence is also worse, though we aren't really sure if he's truly incontinent or if it hurts him so much to get up that he chooses to have accidents to avoid the pain. He complains that "the backs of his knees hurt" whenever we make him stand, and would be happiest if we carried him everywhere. Unfortunately, he's very heavy so it's hard --nearly impossible-- for me to manage him plus Brady plus Isaac --who runs off constantly-- while we're out and about. On top of that, the facial palsy is still active in full-force, which affects his speech and his hearing. It's all in all a very bad situation.

Why he's having the problems is a big unknown. It could be the radiation damage getting worse. It could in part be the result of having been on steroids for so long. It could be disease.

The only known entity is that it breaks my heart to see him suffering. We pray constantly for alleviation of his pain and symptoms, and it's frustrating --no, devastating-- to see his condition continue to disintegrate. Where is God? Why is He letting evil win? Why isn't He helping Logan? Is He, and we just can't see it? What's the truth? It's very unsettling to not know.

Despite the questions and the unsettling feeling of not knowing, we must choose to have faith. We must choose to believe that faith can move mountains. We must choose to believe that healing is there and that it's in the works. Logan wants to be here, even amid his suffering. He wants to be with his family. I know because I've asked him.

What's difficult for me is actually believing. I absolutely struggle with faith. At the same time, I feel like I need to have it, not because I feel like I can do a thing to change our situation, but because faith is an essential part of being.

You've all battled for Logan before, so I'm asking you to do it again. God asks us to pray ceaselessly for what our hearts desire, so I'm asking you, begging you really, to pray for Logan's healing. I never ask you to do this, but let yourself go to that untouchable place of being in my shoes, in Abby's shoes, in Adam's shoes. It's horribly painful, but to feel the urgency of our prayers, you have to do it and feel it and imagine, for just a minute, that he's your beloved little one. Your blessed little soul. I just know that God can move mountains, and I know that He does hear waves of prayers. I also know, that as Logan's suffered of late, I've not reached out for prayers as I had before. But I'm doing it now. I'm once again asking for prayers for healing, comfort, peace, wisdom, understanding, faith, hope, belief, and everything else we lack that God knows about. And it's important that I draw a distinction for those among you who jump to the 'Thy will be done' camp: we're looking for healing here, for restoration of our family. We KNOW that there is life beyond this one. Again, imagine the desire of your own heart were he your child.

Blessings to you.