I've been quiet lately because I've not been in the best of mental states. I'm worn out by all of the drama. I'm tired of watching Logan suffer. I'm wondering if we'll ever see God's hand move. And honestly, I feel a little betrayed. I guess I'm just not a textbook 'good' Christian. When things get hard, I turn inward and worry. I can't just let it go like I should. I can't make myself trust. It's an unfortunate by-product of a life filled with lots of unpleasant experiences, lots of times when I've felt completely betrayed by God.
I know it's tempting for some of you to cut in here and disagree with me, set me straight, what have you, but it doesn't really help. Nope.
At any rate, I guess it's probably obvious by my tone that we haven't seen any improvements. As a matter of fact, he's gotten worse. He now refuses to walk without holding someone's hand, and is very unsteady on his feet. I don't know if it's an organic thing, or if he's just scared because he fell a few times this past week. But whatever the reason, it's exhausting --both physically and emotionally-- having a 5-year old who can't get around without a lot of help. Going up the stairs is a near-insurmountable chore, and he complains that his legs hurt whenever he has to move.
I'm at a point where I'm a new kind of brokenhearted. I'm brokenhearted that at the birthday party we attended today, he wasn't able to run around with the other little boys. I'm brokenhearted that two of the kids laughed and pointed at him. I know they're just kids, but that kind of thing is a knife to my heart. I'm brokenhearted that we've been begging and pleading for healing to come in a tangible, visible way, and not only do things not look better, but they look even less palatable than before.
I get up some mornings and want to lie in bed all day. I want to give up. I want to get in the car and just drive until I'm gone. My life, for lack of a better word and at the risk of sounding like a whiner, is hard. I want to give it to someone else. I want to loan it to the next person who laughs at Logan or tsk tsks at Isaac when he throws a loud tantrum in public. It would be lovely to just not be me, maybe just for a little while.
I really have no great words of faith right now. I wish I did. I wish I knew the truth. I wish life wasn't so hard. I wish God would just make it better. I wish I felt like He really and truly cares. But I don't think I do. Not right now. Of course, I'm like a foxtail in a field: I blow this way and that. So I know I'll change my mind again.
Anyway, thank you for being here for Logan. And for being strong when I can't muster up an ounce of energy of my own.