Breaking Points 10/1/10

Today has been a hard, hard day for Logan. He was okay before I got to the hospital this morning, and even ventured out to play some Wii games with the Physical Therapist. And then it all changed. He's spent just about every waking moment crying and begging for tummy medicine. Mercifully, those moments have been relatively few, as his nurse for the morning/early afternoon (Stephanie) gave him doses of Atavan, Zofran and Benadryl/Reglan, and they've kept him mostly asleep, and hopefully, a little more comfortable than he might otherwise be.

One of the saddest, most heartbreaking moments of my life thus far happened a few hours ago. The vitals nurse and I took him into the bathroom when he said he needed to go. We got his pants down, and then he immediately turned and started vomiting into the toilet, over and over again, his little body absolutely heaving with every wretch. It kills me emotionally to see him suffer in this kind of way; a way in which no one -- let alone a 4-year old who's always been a 'good' child -- should have to suffer. To be blunt, it's very, very hard to see God in the situation today. There are days when I do and days when I don't, and this is definitely a "don't" kind of day. I know that Christ died for the sins of mankind, but as I stood there helplessly watching Logan suffer, I couldn't help but wonder WHY? WHY is this necessary?

But I know I won't get an answer, at least not on this side of heaven.

I had a nice chat with Stephanie a little while ago as she came in to say that shift change was upon us and she'd be gone for the weekend. This was our first time having her as a nurse, and she was very kind and pleasant. She shared that she'd heard a lot about Logan from the other nurses over the course of the past month, and that they're all taken with his sweetness, his general positivity and his mild, cooperative disposition. She said, simply, that he seems like such a good kid. And he is, indeed. He just has that disarming kind of effect on people. I said that we have a good support system in place, but that it was hard to understand why someone like him would be hit with something as awful as cancer, and a rare kind of cancer to boot. She said they often wondered the same thing, with all of the nasty people in the world. I replied that I was sure there was a purpose in it all somewhere, and she agreed, noting that she bet what's happening with Logan was causing shockwaves of a sort to radiate among our network and create, well, better people. And from some of the stories I've heard, she's probably right. So I'm grateful for that. But still sad that we're in it, and that my little sweetheart has to take on a burden of this magnitude.