It's all very interesting, really.
Earlier today, my wonderful friend Becky came by to visit, and we had a chance to sit and talk for an hour or so as Logan slept. He'd had a tough 45 minutes prior to her arrival, so it was a blessing to see him sleep peacefully and to watch the little drops of perspiration bead and settle on his forehead undisturbed.
I spoke candidly of Logan's new journey, the pains, the frustrations, but mostly, the faith and hope that it takes to get through each day, each hour. I felt my spirit rise as I talked about this spiritual battle into which we've been unwittingly drawn, and once again waxed poetic on the sheer evil that is pediatric cancer. Though I didn't say it aloud, I mused over how we've been thrust into a position of having to fight our own personal Golliath. And I once again felt the Fight in me arise and supercede the oft-dominant paralyzing Doubt. We can beat it. God can amass an army and destroy it; smash it into the dust that collects on smithereens. I believe that with my every fiber, with every single cell.
I felt good when Becky headed out. Strong.
And then I got an email message from our realtor: The new tenants we'd signed to a yearlong lease for our rental property backed out just a week before their proposed move-in date. For a minute, I was mad. What? MORE drama?! Because we aren't dealing with ENOUGH? And then the blinders lifted for a moment and there was clarity: I pushed back against the evil, the cancer, while talking with Becky. And then it, in turn, pushed back against meby taking away our new renters and casting yet another shadow of doubt onto our future.
But you know something? I can take it. We'll find new tenants. If we have to, we'll make the ones who backed out pay the rent until we do. They did, after all, sign a legally binding contract. When I feel myself pushing back against evil and then feel resistance in return, I know I'm heading in the right direction, that my heart is where it needs to be.
What exactly do I mean, you ask? I'll break it down a bit. When you give in to the sadness, the uncertainty, the self-doubt, the fear, and all of the negative emotion that abounds when you hear the horrible words 'your child has cancer', it's easy to wallow in misery because you're not asking for God's help and the enemy delights in your pain, your suffering. So, in essence, it's easy to be sad. When you're strong, conversely, you become the aggressor, the intimidator. And if you're wise and are willing to call God in to help you along the way, your power of resistance becomes so strong that it's essentially unbreakable.
And once again, my point is taken: Literally two minutes ago, Molly the Oncology Nurse came in to tell me that after days of completely clear results, one of Logan's blood cultures from Monday finally grew bacteria, so he'll be starting antibiotics in short time. She was apologetic and remarked that she actually thinks it's a mistake, but you know what? It's okay. Because I know I'm pushing back, and there's resistance.
These are just the words from my heart this afternoon; there's nothing fancy or special about them, but I wanted to share and to ask that you please continue to help us with our battle. We can win this war! After all, when God is with us, who can possibly be against us?
(Edit: Our rental is a 2BD/2BR TH with a one-car garage in the Mohr neighborhood of Pleasanton. 1-year lease preferred, but negotiable. Asking $1750/mo to cover mortgage payments, which is also fair market value. Very quiet street, good neighbors; it was actually our first home and we moved in 2007 only because we needed more space! If you know of someone who may be interested, let me know.)