It's 4:48 AM and I'm up. It may have something to do with my stalker kitty, who's spent the night alternating between positions right beside my legs (uncomfortable) and my head (more uncomfortable). I feel vaguely unsettled, but not outrageously so. Merely... awake.
I checked my email a few minutes ago and per Adam's update, Logan should be finishing up with the Methotrexate in about 40 minutes. And then it becomes a matter of waiting for the side effects to roll in and his counts to drop. Once he's neutropenic, we'll be moved to the immunocompromised wing and a single room, which will be so, so wonderful. Hopefully they'll have room or be able to move someone else out. It's really the sole good thing about a low ANC (absolute neutrophil count): A room of our own in the more responsive wing where oncology protocol is more the norm than the exception.
I worry at times that regardless of the outcome, I'm going to be bitter over this experience for the rest of my life. It's just so expensive -- and I'm not speaking in a strictly financial sense (though that's certainly part of it). It's physically expensive. It's relationally expensive. It's time expensive. It's mentally HARD. I've always had issues with God over some things in my life that have happened to me for which I was in no way responsible. Adding this to the top of the heap makes it all feel so much heavier. And when I let myself go there -- which I don't often, since there's no real point to it -- the WHYs make me nearly crazy. It's not as simple as just giving it up and letting it go; I know how easy it is to say that to someone going through a seemingly impossible experience and of course, I do let it go every day. It's the only way to survive something like this. But I'm human, so I wonder. And it's very, very hard to see a young child you birthed, raised and love so dearly suffering as Logan has been. There's no sense in it. I don't think i'll ever see 'sense' in it. Maybe something else, some day, but never sense.
I'm also stressing big-time over our still-vacant rental, and am starting to feel hopeless over that, too. In the back of my head (way, way back), I know we still have to deal with the people who backed out of the contract, as they sent us a sob story letter a week ago explaining why they chose to screw us in response to our agent telling them we may sue (there was, just so you know, no good reason -- no job loss, no death in the family, no need to move out of state, nothing that I could really excuse as a legitimate, hardship reason) and offering a very small amount of compensation. (Not even two weeks of rent.) I asked our agent to check their rental application so I could get a feel for their financials before making a decision on whether or not to pursue legal action. If we could JUST get someone in there, I'd probably drop the whole thing, but this bill can't go uncovered for months and months, especially with Adam on a 3/4 schedule. Not if we don't want to zap our savings in 6 months and have nothing left for college tuition, etc. down the line. Yes, definitely bitter. Definitely. We give a lot to charity. We don't waste money on stupid things. I didn't even have a cell phone until last Christmas because I couldn't justify the cost. It's just completely messed up.
Well, I feel 'done' writing for now. Since I'm sure Abby and Isaac will come lumbering in at 6:45 just as they did yesterday (on a Saturday, of all days!), I should see about getting back to sleep.
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