This evening I feel frustrated and down. Not defeated, just sad. Part of the feeling stems from my laptop's refusal to let me access the internet (really, laptop? REALLY?!) and the other is just the usual end-of-day tiredness that invariably saps my energy and my hopefulness. To be completely fair, the bulk of the day was actually fine.
Logan continues his slow march toward recovery from surgery. Adam shared that last night (Monday into Tuesday), he awoke to find Logan engaged in an animated conversation with his nurse, Amanda. He said he just sat and listened for a while as Logan told Amanda about his lovey, Lambie, Abby and Isaac's loveys Buhbuh and Roary, his siblings, and an array of other topics. I think it did his heart good to hear our son sharing and chatting like his old self and working toward adding Amanda to what we call his harem. :) I know it did mine good just to hear of it secondhand, even if I was sad to have missed it in person.
His drain was clamped today, and he didn't appear to have any issues. He'll have a quick MRI at around 1 PM tomorrow to check for fluid build-up and swelling, and if we get the all-clear, the drain will be removed. That would also set us up for a move out of the PICU and into the regular Pediatrics ward. We're looking forward to that next step, since it would mean we'd be able to eat with him in his room. And for other reasons, of course, but again, tired mommy equals scattered mommy, and other reasons aren't immediately springing to mind.
He also had his catheter removed, which was huge for Logan, given his reluctance to use and embarrassment over wearing a diaper. He has a little potty bedside that he can use for now, since he's still not allowed to get up and walk to the restroom.
He did okay with his speech therapy and all of the other standard checks. The one exception was Physical Therapy, which he absolutely hated. He made sure that every single person in the ward knew of his feelings, in fact. He didn't want to sit up, he didn't want to hold his head up, and he certainly didn't want to stand. He did the first two activities (screaming all the while) and the PT decided to forego the third, probably in order to spare a few surrounding eardrums.
He also did better with eating and drinking, though his intake was still minimal. They weighed him today and he was down from his admit weight of 17 kilograms to 16.
Adam and I left him with Adam's dad so we could come to his parents' house and have dinner with Abby and Isaac. It's so hard figuring out how to balance all of the kids right now without making anyone feel left behind. It was hard to hear Abby ask Adam how much longer she'd have to stay at grandma's house this evening, and to realize how much trouble she's had sleeping and how many questions are swirling around in her sweet little head. Her first day of first grade is tomorrow so Adam and I are going to drop her off and pick her up. It's not actual normalcy, but at least it's an attempt. That has to count for something. Isaac is... well, it's hard to say since he doesn't talk. He seems to be largely himself, but I think the changes are wearing on him as well. He got very cranky around dinner time, but went down to sleep very easily, after popping up and running around the room several times. He'll be joining us as we take Abby to and from school.
It's hard to sit here feeling so utterly helpless. I still can't fully believe that this is happening to my family, but I'm trying my best to suck it up and press onward. We're blessed with so many wonderful friends and family members who are doing all they can to help us through, so it's hard to complain, even though much of the time, my soul feels beaten and, truthfully, wretched.
In closing, my phone decided that it didn't want to load Facebook anymore at some point this evening, so it's likely that I won't be able to see notes or updates until tomorrow evening. Thank you as always for your prayers.