The Truth

It seems that I can't go a single day without hearing some variation of it:

I don't know how you do it. I could never handle everything on your plate right now. I'd lose my mind.

I have a little routine: I hear the familiar words, smile, say that I do what I have to do because there's no other option, and then typically change the subject to something else. I see no need in dwelling; I'm not a superperson and I'm no more mentally, emotionally or physically equipped to cope with the hand we've been dealt than another other mother on the planet. While it would be tremendously self-gratifying to feel like I am unusually strong or remarkable -- and I do secretly love the praise -- it would also be disingenuous. I must give credit where it's due: The reality is that I'm strong because Christ makes me strong, day in and day out, regardless of whether or not I want to be.

Believe me when I say that there are days when I want to pull the covers over my head and remain enveloped in the warmth of my bed. Even now, I wake up every morning, come to the realization all over again that no, it's not all just a bad dream, and feel a modicum of frustration. And then I say a prayer (or 100), get up, and move on. Because it's what I have to do, and more importantly, because He gives me the strength to do it.

Now that doesn't mean that I'm okay with it all. I may feel a general sense of peace most of the time, but I'm still annoyed with God that Logan is suffering. (And truthfully, that any child at all has to suffer with cancer.) I tell Him every day that I'm annoyed, frustrated, upset, mad, whatever emotion it is that prevails at a given moment. He takes it. He knows how I feel. And the awesome thing is that despite my rantings and ravings, He still makes me strong each and every day.

Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is remarkable. I know that as a plain old human, I don't store that kind of grace in my personal reserves. I can't withstand someone yelling at me for hours on end and questioning my motivations and then turn around and not only forgive it, but hand the complainer an incredible gift.

And that's the truth.

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And because this is Logan's blog (insert clever smilie here), I'll also update that his ANC was up to 900-something this morning and his WBC is 1.4, so he will be released this afternoon. Next up is the pivotal MRI on February 1st.

Thank you, as always, for your prayers!