The Logan Update: 1/16/2011

It's 8:38 PM. I'm watching something pointess on the DVR but my mind -- and if I'm being honest, a chunk of my heart -- is in Oakland with Logan.

One of his blood cultures came back positive earlier today, so he's on not one, not two, not three, but four different antibiotics. Not because he needs four, per se, but because they don't yet know which bacteria caused the infection, so they're covering all of the possible bases. His fever had dropped a bit and hovered around 100 degrees all afternoon, but apparently it went up again tonight, per Adam's mom, to 102.8. My poor little guy just cannot win. It's hard not to feel angry, frustrated, hopeless. It's just so horribly inhumane.

In other news, he had a chest x-ray and an EKG earlier today to take a look at his heart. The Fellow on service this weekend, Dr. Jacobs, heard a rustling sound around his heart this morning during rounds, so they wanted to be sure there's nothing unusual or worrisome going on. Unofficially, per Logan's night nurse Halima, they were both normal. Tomorrow he's scheduled for yet another look at it via echocardiogram. I know they're just being cautious, but it scares me -- a lot -- that they're so focused on his little heart right now. I mean, isn't brain cancer enough?

It's hard. I don't feel like praying right now, but I don't know what else to do. I'm irritated with God. I'm bothered that He's once again allowing Logan to suffer. I sang him "Jesus Loves Me" at the hospital this afternoon, but I felt hypocritical as the words tripped from my tongue. I mean: Does He really? Really? He may not be inflicting harm on Logan, but He's certainly allowing it. And that rubs me the wrong way. Of course, I'm his mother so it's extra hard to accept that 'crap happens' and that God's intentions here are still good. This isn't just watching my baby get a shot; there are some parents who are reduced to shaking, quaking tears by a simple needle prick. This is serious. This is true suffering. And I can't stop it or even make it all that much better. That's a mother's hell.

Of course, when things are awful, it just means there's a more pronounced opportunity for God to pull out all the stops and show us something amazing. So that's what I'm asking you all to pray for tonight: Something amazing. Healing. Total healing, reduced fever, eradication of tumors, curing of infections. Despite my frustration, my anger, my confusion, my doubt, I still believe that God is in control of all of this. (Which is why I'm so annoyed with Him.) And I believe that He wants to make Logan well again. I continue to believe that there's a war going on here, and that God stands ready to make a powerful statement in the near future. Please pray for all of that for us.

Thank you and good night.