It may not be particularly eloquent, but that's how I feel lately: Stuck in the mud. I can't plan a vacation even though we all need one really, really badly. Every time I hear someone say 'man, I need to get away from it all!' I have to bite my tongue and resist the temptation to scream 'NO! You have NO frickin' idea what it means to need to get away!' I can't go back home, even though I've not been for nearly 2 years and am craving the sight of familiar faces and places and an audience with people who care about me; with people I've known since birth. I can't make plans of any kind, really, because everything could change in 5 minutes. People keep asking me what Logan will do with respect to school this Fall. Had none of this happened, he'd be headed to kindergarten. Now I don't know. Probably another year of preschool. But regardless, I don't even have the freedom to mull it over because I still don't know what will happen between now and then. It's maddening. I feel like a dog tied to a pole in someone's backyard: I can run a little in a circle, but when I go to far, the chain yanks on my jugular and I find myself back where I began. It's not a fun place to be.
Anyway, Logan is still home, but I'm not sure how long we'll be able to keep him here. He's definitely not feeling well today. When I took his temperature a little while ago, it registered at 99.2, so he's skirting the limit and it's only noon. The only real positive I can think of it that it's day 12, so hopefully -- prayerfully -- he'll start to recover his WBC in 3 or 4 days. But you never know. There's nothing normal or standard about any of this so I never really know what to expect.
I continue feeling exhausted. I can't begin to describe the kind of strain this kind of thing puts on a family. When I recall last summer, I wish with everything in me that I could go back and that the perfect family that I had but rarely appreciated or recognized as such could be restored. That somehow, we could be divinely rerouted onto a better, less painful path. Sometimes I wish I could just take a break from being me, even if just for a few minutes so I can remember what it's like to live a normal, mundane sort of life.
To quote a Carrie Underwood song, please "don't forget to remember me". Or more accurately, us.
I have nothing eloquent to say in response, but I'm here listening and praying.
ReplyDeleteSherry, I know that it doesn't give the comfort I desire, but I certainly don't 'forget to remember you' the collective YOU, the Wight Family. I wear my blue prayers for Logan bracelet daily and pray each time I look at it, when I wash my hands, do dishes, put a coat on or take one off, take a shower, change my clothes, etc. I wish you could feel a physical hug each time we utter a prayer. All I can say is that I will continue to pray, and pray, and pray!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you guys and if anyone deserves a vacation you know I think it's you. You will get it one day I promise. All 6 of you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteWe are thinking of you and praying for your family everyday.
ReplyDeleteI don't comment every day but you guys are constantly on my mind and in my heart...
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