Air

It's been... a week. I don't want to qualify it with any particular word, but I guess 'frustrating' is workable.

Logan had an ultrasound this afternoon, and it did indeed reveal a very small pocket of fluid located in the area between his gut and his skin. So that explains why his meth number wasn't decreasing: It had collected in said pool of fluid and had been very, very slowly releasing itself into his bloodstream. Once the pocket was detected, Molly ordered Lasix (which flushes liquid out of the body via increased urine) and pushed the blood draw back from 2 PM to 3:30 PM so we'd give the Lasix more time to flush out the fluid. And as it turns out, it worked: His meth number this afternoon was .08. So he's home, finally.

I'm relieved. It feels like I've finally been able to come up for air. I was going out of my skin knowing that he was nearly neutropenic and unable to get a private room. Had he needed spend the night again, the plan was to find a way to boot *some*one out of South to get him into isolation, but it wasn't going to be an easy task. So thank God that he finally cleared that darn meth. I would've felt terribly about needing to kick another child out of South.

I feel like I've been through the ringer this week. Brady has had good and bad days; my birthday was a good day, but today and yesterday were dicey. Monday was awful, awful, awful. It's extremely difficult to be home alone with Abby, Logan and him overnight all the time, so I'm very relieved that Adam and Logan are back and hope with everything in me that it's going to be a longer-term stay. This is the time when Logan's temps get sort of crazy; his WBC this morning was .2, and we usually have a few days of elevated-but-not-too-high temperatures to get through before recovery begins and everything stabilizes again.

I'm truly worn out. It's hard to take all of the ups and downs and confusion and heartache. It's draining in just about every way imaginable. (And probably in ways that are unimaginable, too.)

Please pray for all of us. Pray for a calmer, happier baby in Brady. I know he has acid reflux, and the pediatrician put him on a med for that just yesterday. Pray that it will work, or that we'll figure out something else that will. Pray for patience and good attitudes for Abby and Isaac. And for health and healing for Logan. And for Adam and I... harmony. This kind of situation is extremely stressful and extremely taxing on a relationship, and we're really feeling the strain. And please pray that I'll have time and energy to pray. I've been so tired and frazzled that I haven't been able to muster the focus needed to pray particularly effectively. And it's hard to feel peace when I don't feel connected.

Just a quick anecdote to end this entry. As I was driving home this afternoon (before I knew Logan would be released), I was ruminating over the frustrations of this past week. Just when I felt I couldn't take it all for another second, I suddenly became aware of the radio. What was playing? It's all right, it's okay, it'll be all right again. Over and over again. A coincidence? No. Just a reminder that I needed in my emotional exhaustion. I just hope it's really the truth.

Thank you and good night.