Another day in the books. And I feel unsettled. Or, as the subject line says, unsettled-ish. Sort of unsettled.
It's hard to be away from Logan for long periods of time like I've been of late. It's hard to feel connected to him when we're apart. It's also hard to get a good feel for how he's really doing. Sure, Adam and his mom share the details as they see them, but I wish I could see for myself more often. There's something comforting about seeing things for myself; the second-hand reports just don't do it for me. At least, they don't right now.
Logan is okay, but apparently is having issues with his stomach and vomiting. I'm a bit concerned, since by this time in his previous cycles, the emesis was generally a thing of the past. Or in the very least, it was rare. Dr. T ordered a dye test to see if the line is infected; if it is, it could explain why he's feeling poorly. If not, well, then I guess we're back to square one.
I just want him to be well again. To be feeling like a 4-year old boy should feel. It quite literally took my breath away and made me take pause a few days ago when I realized that he'll be 4 1/2 the last day of this month. He started treatment just a few weeks after he turned 4. How has it already been almost half a year? I'm sad that he's been denied so much of his childhood and that he'll continue to be denied childhood for the months to come. I'm grateful for his sweet disposition and his unusual patience as I feel they've probably made the ordeal easier for him to handle, but I'm still sad. I grieve that loss of innocence, some days more deeply than others. But it's always a note of sadness lurking in the back of my mind.
Please pray for his WBC to recover very soon. Pray also for his doctors, that they'll have the wisdom to figure out what's causing him so many issues with his stomach. Pray that the root of the pain and vomiting will be apparent to them, even if it's not something that would be immediately obvious. And as always, please pray for his complete healing. I still believe it can happen, even as I'm exhausted and emotionally spent, and even as I feel increasingly disconnected from Logan and what happens at CHO.
Thank you once again and good night.
Thanks for posting a prayer list. Praying for all those things, and that you all feel God's presence.
ReplyDeletePraying for you today Sherry.
ReplyDeleteSherry,
ReplyDeletepraying as fervently as ever....I so wish there was more I could do. I wish we were closer and could come visit Logan. I wish we could take the other precious kiddos on a playdate and let you get some SLEEP, or just some mommy-relaxation time (what is that? i'm sure you say) :)
but know that we will not stop praying, and that even now - 6 months later - we are adding to the prayer team. Derek and I wear our Logan bracelets everyday (McKenzie does...on and off...she likes to put it on her stuffed animals and take the stuffed animals out with her) and don't hesitate one second to fill in anyone who asks about them and ask for their prayers too. God is hearing them. All of them.
Love, hugs, and big prayers to all of you.
Praying for wisdom, rest, healing, peace and so many other things. Wearing my Prayers for Logan bracelet daily and talking about it often. Praying every time I see it!
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