Pass it Along -- PLEASE!

As much as I'm inclined to just hide in a corner and eat my own hair, I can't. I can't let disappointment crush me, especially since hope is still very much alive. The bastard tumor may not be smaller, but the contrast looks better (measure of aggressiveness), it's NOT bigger, and it hasn't spread to his spinal column. As several of you have pointed out to me (and thank you for that), those are three big things to be thankful for in a very real way.

So what if it's not smaller? It'll just make for a more amazing, God-stamped story down the road, right? It's easy to write that and I want to believe it, but when I think it, I get that feeling of having swallowed too much air: Like it's SO much to hope for that I can hardly fathom it coming to pass.

Logan is still a fighter. At this moment, he's acting like his usual, pre awareness-of-cancer self. He's sitting on the couch being silly with his sister. The oncologist on service this week, Dr. Golden, said we could go ahead and disconnect his Vanco (antibiotic pump), so he's not hooked up to anything at the moment. Aside from a somewhat wonky eye, the clip that attaches the tubes from his chemo port to his shirt and a general lack of hair, he's very normal.

Cancer be damned, he's doing well. That has to be worth something, even as I battle my own fears.

I'm scared to pieces over this. It's sort of like the feeling I had when I first learned there was a tumor. Then it got better, and we got the pathology report and the feeling came back again. Then he started treatment and the first two rounds led to tumor shrinkage, and it got better. Then this disappointing MRI... it comes in waves, it seems. I'm trying to remain mindful of that.

Even Adam is scared. I can see it in his eyes, even if he doesn't come out and say it. He's a private person. He also doesn't relish the notion of upsetting me, so he generally keeps his emotions in check and to himself. But I know he's worried and disappointed just like outwardly-emotionally-expressive-and-volatile me. And for him to be worried, you know it's serious, because he just doesn't waste energy worrying over much.

Before I forget to note it, we won't hear back from the surgeon until Monday, which is disappointing, but apparently he's on vacation and his office staff doesn't know where he went. So please pray that things will stay static (or get better!) between now and then. If he decides it's operable, he'll have surgery on my birthday. I've long-anticipated this as my 'lucky' birthday, since I like 1s and 3s and I'll be 33 on 1/11/11. My prayer is that if surgery IS part of that day, that he'll be able to get it all. Otherwise, we're likely looking at a cycle 5 starting early next week.

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So why am I writing again? What does the subject line mean? I know I've called all of you to action before, because I've felt unsettled and prompted to do so. And I know there are so many more folks than I can even imagine already praying for Logan to be healed on this side of heaven. But there can always be more. And we need a bigger army. Logan needs a bigger army. I feel that to the very tips of my toes. God can accomplish anything with a simple thought, but this is a battle, an ultimate chess game. There are obstacles and push-backs from an opponent. I know that some of you will think I'm nuts, but I believe it to be true.

As I sat upstairs trying to compose myself earlier today, I went in search of a Bible. Of course I couldn't find mine, so I grabbed Abby's children's version and prayed, fervently, for something inspirational, something rife with meaning, to catch my eye. So I flipped it open and landed once again on the story of Jonah. Again. It's been a common theme, along with the stories of miraculous healing. The people prayed, and God heard them and responded.

My takeaway is that we need those prayers. We need as many as we can get. I cannot sit in a corner and eat my hair and moan and cry and give up just because things didn't go as I'd prayed they would go with the second MRI. Logan's life here on the earth is worth saving. Ask anyone at all who knows him and I don't think you'd find a soul who'd disagree.

So here's what I'm asking of you: If you know anyone at all who would be willing to offer up prayers for Logan's complete healing and you haven't yet asked them to join the team, please re-post part of this and/or send them this way. If you know of a church that would be willing to pray for him, please ask them to do so. Even if you don't think you know someone, please pass along Logan's story and maybe it will catch someone's eye. Even if you think I'm a bat-poo crazy religious zealot, find someone to pass it to; maybe the results will be surprising. I'm casting a net as far and wide as I can on my own, but I need your help to reach as many people as possible. After all, Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find; knock and the door will be opened unto you. I cling to this as this frustrating and incredibly scary time persists.

I know I've been a broken record. :) But I also know that the only certainty in this world is that God is ultimately in control. So I continue to appeal to Him to save my sunshine, to restore health, to seal out the cancer and to make our family whole once again. And honestly, I don't know what else to do. I'm just a mom trying to save her son; nothing more, nothing less. I don't think I'm inspirational or unusual. I'm just doing what anyone in my position would do.

Thank you.