Auld Lang Syne

It's not unusual for me to take some time to ponder the year that's passing on New Year's Eve. It's always served as a good opportunity to reflect and give thanks. So despite my mixed feelings about 2010, I'm going to take a walk down memory lane anyway.

2010 started off as a same old-same old kind of year. Abby was in afternoon kindergarten and we were acclimating to our very first year ever in the local public school system. I was involved with the Mother's Club board of directors for the third year running, this time as the Computer Data Coordinator. Logan was in preschool Tuesday and Thursday afternoons and absolutely blossoming under the care of his teacher and the friendship of his classmates. Both Abby and Logan took dance classes, with Abby mastering her Rockin' Robin routine and Logan taking on The Candy Man in his little green shirt and white pants. I spent lots of time walking to and from Abby's school; I remember Abby and Logan running ahead and laughing while I pushed the double stroller that housed Isaac. It felt like I spent a lot of time rushing back and forth, especially on Tuesdays, when I had to drop Logan at preschool, pick up Abby from kindergarten, drop her off at dance, pick Logan up from preschool and then pick her up from dance. If I knew what I know now, I bet I would never have complained about the busy-ness!

In April, Adam and I surprised even ourselves when we decided to take the kids to Disneyland for three days. And a wonderful three days they were. My brother Charlie, who lives in the Los Angeles area, joined us for day one, and we flew solo on days two and three. But there was much smiling, laughing, goofing off and acting like kids. I'm glad we opted to take the trip. It was very much out of character for us -- we rarely take trips -- but I'm grateful we went and that we have hundreds of photos to look back on. It's a bright spot in what, of course, wound up being a very dark year.

Shortly after we returned from Disneyland, we learned about the other bright spot: Brady, who was at the time known as Quattro, was on his way and due just two days before Christmas. He was unexpected, but I was quietly exuberant to be expecting number four. I'd always wanted four children, but a few months earlier had resigned myself to that not happening. It just didn't seem practical, and Adam was perfectly happy with three. Surprise, surprise.

Of course, my pregnancy also meant that I'd be ill until the baby made an appearance, but that was okay. I could deal.

My brother Bobby and his family came to visit in June, and the cousins had fun re-acquainting themselves.

The rest of the summer was something of a blur, as I spent much of it sick on the couch in my family room while the kids played. Abby and Logan really became best friends during that time, disappearing for hours on end upstairs, creating new games and laughing and enjoying one another's company. I'm both thankful and pained that they had so much time to learn to love each other so much.

Logan celebrated his fourth birthday on July 31st. He was off-kilter that day, sneaking into the garage and opening several of his presents by himself before Abby caught him making his way upstairs with an illicit package and blew the whistle. He was whiny and cranky and generally unpleasant. I'd always taken photos of my children on their birthdays; never missed a one. But I skipped Logan's birthday because he had a huge sore in the corner of his mouth that he'd picked at compulsively for days. Every time it scabbed over, he'd pick it open again. I didn't want to have a photo of him like that, so I decided to wait until later. And later never came; the appointment I'd set wound up being cancelled: It was the day he was diagnosed with the tumor. Not taking those birthday pictures is one of my biggest and most painful regrets of the year. I wish I could've seen beyond the sore and moved forward with my tradition. But I didn't.

And then August came. And the world turned irrevocably upside down. We knew something was wrong on August 15th. We knew it was a mass on August 16th. We spent our 8th wedding anniversary, August 17th, in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit at CHO. And we waited for news, shell-shocked, as Logan underwent neurosurgery on August 20th. We cried through the pathology report a few days later when we learned what we were up against.

I battled pre-term contractions as Logan began treatment. I questioned God, bouncing wildly from faith-filled, heartfelt proclamations of His goodness to crazed doubts. We got bad news followed by good news, which was followed by bad news and then good. Logan was home for every major holiday this Fall, which was amazing and I'm so grateful for those times.

And then there's baby Brady. Even as I questioned why on earth I'd gotten pregnant when all of the drama with Logan was about to start, I hoped for the best and looked forward to his arrival. And his arrival was an amazing blessing: I was reminded once again of Logan's gentle spirit as he took to his new little brother -- how he cuddled him, kissed and rubbed his fuzzy little head, sang to him and spoke the sweetest words of comfort to him when he cried. As much as Brady is a blessing to me and to Adam, he's perhaps an even bigger blessing to my sunshine, who loves to love and loves to give of himself, even at just four years of age.

I've probably cried more tears in 2010 than in any previous year. I've also felt more acutely grateful for the blessings in my life than ever before. I wish I could go back and not take normalcy for granted. I wish I could take back every unkind word I've ever said to any of my kids. I wish I could trade places with Logan and take on the physical suffering for myself, but I know I can't do that.

Despite my fears, I'm hoping for great things in 2011. I'm praying for amazing things. I'm going to continue taking deep breaths and believing, when I can muster the faith, that Logan be well once again, and that God will touch him and heal him once and for all. He's a beautiful, wonderful part of our family of six, and we need him here with us.

Happy New Year to you. May it be better by leaps and bounds than 2010.