Today was my first angry day in quite some time. Between yesterday's less than great MRI news and being two weeks postpartum, I'm having a hard time coping with the mess that's my life at the moment. I'm struggling with faith, and have reverted to a place of feeling hopeless about Logan. I don't have much confidence that he'll be healed and my heart is broken. The disappointment is overwhelming; I had so much hope that we'd see great results yesterday, and I don't know how to effectively process the reality. I'm afraid to hope for good news again because I hate the idea of feeling this kind of acute disappointment; it's easier to just expect the worst and then deal with it when it happens. I'm sick and tired of being the 'rubber' in the old 'I'm rubber and you're glue' schtick.
So that's me.
Fortunately for Logan, he had a nice day. He ran around playing with Abby, and the two of them big leagued poor Isaac, just like they did in the pre-cancer days. There was a lot of laughing and having fun and being a normal kid.
But I couldn't enjoy it because I'm so emotionally stifled by fear. The very fear that just yesterday I vowed to avoid feeling crept into my heart and rooted itself there. I want more than anything else in this world to have my faith in healing restored, but I'm so crushed and so disappointed that I'm scared to hope for good news ever again.
Pray as you like. I'm just in a low place. I wish I could be someone else for a while, or that I could have a fast forward button to get through the next several months. And yes, I know the Bible's words on the subject. Right now, they're just not comforting.
Im sure Others wont really approve of what Im about to say but here goes. I say wallow. Pump a couple bottles for Issac or use some freezer stash, pour yourself a HUGE glass of wine..pfft I would probably do rum over ice even..and wallow. Take your time,think,cry,vent or all of the above. This is a journey Sherry and your allowed to have bad days. You are a mother who is trying to deal with everything and sometimes praying(even though comforting) just isnt what you need today. I wish I was there with you to share a drink and let you vent all you need!!! (((hugs)))
ReplyDeletePraying that the fear in your heart is replaced with hope! Praying and believing for you right now when you simply don't have it in you. Wish I knew what to say or do to encourage you, but there simply are not any words because I truly have no idea how you must be feeling, or how you are doing anything at all. Please know that we will continue to pray for your whole family daily.
ReplyDeleteI liked what April had to say. Your emotions are so valid right now. There are no words just ears to listen.
ReplyDeleteSherry we are thinking and praying for you. I have to agree with April 100%. Every bit of emtion that you are thinking and feeling is completely valid. We love you girl!
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and I like what April said too. I wish we could all be there to help out and listen because you deserve to be angry and upset and all the emotions you are feeling. xoxo
ReplyDeleteDitto, April. I'm crying for you, but have no idea what to say.
ReplyDeleteLove you dear friend, and yes, it's perfectly understandable to have days like this. Even Jesus grieved tremendously in Gethesemane, and He even knew what the future held. God will restore your faith and joy in His time.
ReplyDeleteThere is hope, Sherry. A lot of hope. I can imagine the crushing disappointment, but I think it's a good sign that the cancer has not spread. There is hope that it can be operated on. I'm not going to blow sunshine, because I know just how I would be in your place, and I would not have the dignity, faith and grace that you've demonstrated and continue to demonstrate. I would be throwing things and cursing God. I believe there is hope and I believe that Logan beat this. Love, prayers and peace.
ReplyDeleteAnd I absolutely agree with April. You have the right to be angry and furious and upset and disappointed and everything else. Anyone would be. This is your baby. The most important thing in the world to you, and you have to watch him be in pain. No mother should go through this and no child should go through this. I can't tell you how angry I am that your child is the one going through this.
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