Hello, Predictability? It's Me Again.

I'll let you in on a little something about me: I can be pretty predictable and boring. Like I knew yesterday that if Logan didn't clear his Methotrexate this morning, I'd be disappointed. Sad. Down. And despite my best intentions to say it ain't so, no can do: I spent the day feeling all of those negative emotions. They came and went like waves, rushing in and out of my heart and effectively wearing away at my faith. I started to feel the old sense of bitterness again -- the whys and the frustrations. Why am I so negative? I often wonder.

Well, in this case at least, there's a good precedent for worry. We've seen and trudged through the valley of the low-lows. Round 2 haunts me even now, despite the awesome success that was round 3 and the promise Logan has shown so far during round 4. There's no reason to believe that he won't clear his Meth soon and be able to come home again.

But I confess that fear has entrenched itself in my heart and I'm having a hard time believing that this will all have a good outcome. I want to believe. I want to have the faith that people like my grandma (hi grandma) have about all of this. But I'm just so... worried. Scared. Stressed. Afraid. All of those things that are natural for me to feel, but not at all productive or helpful. I looked Logan's pony pictures from preschool last year and instead of allowing them to make me smile, they made me cry.

I need to re-focus, uproot the fear, re-set my eyes on the prize, and be hopeful again. I just need a little kick to get it done. Easy enough, right? Not really.