About Us

Our family of 6 (dad Adam, mom Sherry, big sister Abby and little brothers Isaac and Brady -- who was born on December 14, 2010) joined the ranks of pediatric cancer fighters when our 4-year old son Logan was diagnosed with a dangerous and highly malignant form of brain cancer in mid-August 2010. Logan's cancer journey began abruptly on Sunday, August 15, when his right eye suddenly turned inward during dinner. Twenty-four hours later, we were checking into Children's Hospital Oakland and finding out that life sometimes takes you places you'd never, ever imagine yourself going.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Weakness and Strength

I came to a realization this evening as I spoke with a fellow mom during Abby's dance class. It's a pretty obvious one, but it seemed profound at the time. I was filling her in on the most recent mega-drama from Logan's journey and sharing my feelings with substantially more candor than I can usually muster during face-to-face conversations. As tears stung my eyes, she looked at me and said that she didn't know how I'd managed to not be 'like this' earlier on in the process. By 'like this', she meant vulerable, uncertain, fearful, outwardly worried and stressed over the virtual mess that's been my life for half a year now. (And it has indeed been half a year; today marked exactly six months since Logan's eye turned inward during that mundane-turned-fateful Sunday dinner.)

Anyhow, the realization?

I can't continue to be strong -- or hope to be in the future, for that matter -- if I don't first admit that I'm weak.

So it's out there: I'm weak. I'm really, really weak. I doubt God's intentions here, I doubt His goodness, I doubt my own ability to handle the coming months and the stress. Just call me Thomas(ina). I would say that those are bad things, but the other strange reality is that I don't think they are all that terrible. If I feel badly, I need to be honest about it so my praying friends can lift me up.

Now none of this is to say that I haven't been truthful about my feelings and my mood in the past, because I most certainly have. It's merely a confession that lately, it's been harder to cope with the weight of the path we're on.

So that's that.

Logan has been doing well at home these past few days. He's been eating reasonably well; this evening he actually finished his entire dinner plate (of his requested meal -- spaghetti and meatballs) and then requested an additional meatball. So I'm grateful for that improvement. He's also had plenty of energy, and managed to balance it out with an appropriate amount of restraint, which I'm certain is a challenge for a spirited 4-year old little boy.

One of his chemo port lumens was clogged when Adam tried to draw blood this morning, so we took him to CHO for de-clogging and spoke with Dr. T. while we were there. He confirmed the plan moving forward -- surgery, a single transplant cycle, radiation -- and expressed his regret that they'd missed the tiny spots on his spine that, in hindsight, were actually present on the December MRI. Had they been spotted, we would've skipped cycle 5 and gone straight to surgery, with the intent of getting through transplant and on to radiation as quickly as possible. He also noted that fortunately, the extra cycle hadn't resulted in negative progress with respect to the appearance of the tumors, but it's still disappointing to feel so far behind where we 'should' (though I use the term very loosely) be right now. But we can't go back, so there's no point in dwelling on what I can't change.

He also mentioned that the surgery will likely be scheduled for next Wednesday, the 23rd; Dr. Sun is still in the process of shuffling some previously-scheduled procedures to different dates in order to fit Logan in that day. So please hold up that date in prayer -- for Dr. Sun, for the OR nurses and other staff, for us as we await news.

As the conversation came to a close, I lamented with a wry smile that nothing about the treatment process had been easy or textbook so far, and that it would potentially make one heck of a book one day. Then Dr. T. said something that cut straight to my heart:

When you're dancing at his wedding, you'll look back at all of this and have quite a story to tell about what it took to get there.

I've never hidden my feelings about dancing with my sunshine here, but I rarely mention them when I'm out and about in real life. For him to use that particular line was just so special to me; almost like a gift from God.

That's it for now. I'm weak, I'm tired, I'm forgetful. I thank you for your prayers, even as I have trouble offering them up myself, and thank you also for recruiting additional prayer warriors to join our team. Enjoy your evening.


  1. Thank you for sharing more candid stories. I am thankful for your conversation with Dr. T today and the beautiful vision. We prayed again for Logan at choir and gave thanks for his sweet spirit in the midst of this fight. We are thankful that he was released earlier than expected. We will continue to pray for Logan, the enire team of medical professionals and will now focus on 2/23 as the BIG day!

  2. You're human, and that covers all those things. We're all human. No apologies needed.

    I don't know about you, but the comment from Dr. T. would give me so much hope. I can't imagine a doctor would be throwing empty promises at you that way.


  3. Logan,

    Someday in both of our futures
    I'll be the old man passing by
    If you catch me smiling you may wonder why.

    It's because I know
    it was touch and go
    But here you are today, everybody prayed.

    Logan, you've grown back all your hair
    even as I'm losing mine, I don't mind
    everything turned out just fine.


  4. I've often thought that you should write a book, and I've thought that this book WILL have a happy ending. I love Doctor T's words...and note that he said WHEN.

    I know there's an amazing book in all of this, and as I type this, and want you to know that I know there's no reason good enough why this has to happen to you and Logan. None. An amazing book that will help thousands of moms wouldn't be a good enough reason, you know?

    Soon this nightmare will be over.

  5. I love that the doctor said that.....just love it.

    And I love Tracie's idea of the book. You are such an excellent writer, what a fabulous idea. You should think of it!

    And you are very strong. I'm proud of you :-) xoxo

  6. I love that as well ~ what the doctor said.
    I'm thanking God for giving the doctor the urge to say those things because it was great for you to be able to hear them.
    Lifting Logan up, Dr. Sun and the team, and all of you too!!!

  7. Such a Grace, those words from Logan's Doc.
    A simple string of letters that has the power to link your present strugle to a joyous and hopeful future>

  8. weakness and STRENGTH,is what you show us, I pray you will soon feel the strength more than the weakness again. Thank you for sharing it as we can pray for you more precisely. Sweet dreams of dancing tonight : )

  9. I read a story recently about a priest who went secretly into Russia during the Stalin ear (He Leadeth Me), and he was caught and put into solitary confinement for something like 5 years. During that time, he was interrogated over and over, and eventually he falsely admitted to what the authorities wanted him to because he just couldn't take it anymore. He felt beyond terrible, so ashamed that he hadn't been strong enough to resist and so ashamed that he hadn't been true to God. But afterward, he realized that he had never been strong in the first place. Any strength inside him had been from God, and in that way, his weakness was also from God- or at least his weakness was permitted by God. In fact, God had never required him to be strong, nor even created him to be strong. The priest's breaking point became a turning point for him, after that he was able to accept much more incredible hardship with God's strength. He spent about 2 decades in the gulags, eventually released, eventually returned home to the US (everyone thought he was dead).

    I just wanted to share that, take from it what you will.

    I am praying for the OR to be filled with angels on Logan's day.