I Wait

I'm locked in a vicious cycle of late. I spend all day long refereeing fights, protecting my two vulnerable children (Logan and Brady) from the blows of the other two, listening to a near-constant stream of shouting, laughing, screeching and mouthing off and trying to calm my fussy littlest man, and wind up feeling so tired by bedtime that I can't really sleep. Such a cruel irony. Oh well: It's my reality for now, so praise the Lord anyhow.

Of course, tonight's lack of sleep is tied to the heaviness I'm carrying in my heart. Heaviness for Kate's mother, heaviness from my own worries and concerns over Logan. As much as I try to release my anxieties, it's hard. And I'm not especially accomplished at doing so with any success or regularity.

Whenever I hear bad news about someone in a similiar situation, my hackles go up and a quiet panic sets in. It's silly really, since the results of another person's test have no bearing on Logan's results. But at the same time, it's hard to not worry. After all, Kate has a truly massive following and a truly massive army of prayer warriors working on her behalf. I'm awed -- and if I'm being honest, a little jealous -- of the sheer size and strength of her team. Yet she's still not yet fully healed. It makes me question God and His plan for her, for all children who suffer with cancer, for all of us, really. And that's never a comfortable thing for me to do. My preference is to blindly believe that God is good all the time, but it's extremely hard to do so when faced with the reality that tragic and seemingly senseless illnesses befall the most innocent of us all. There are many things about suffering that I don't understand, and though I realize that I should just accept the unknowns in human life and move forward, it's difficult to look pain in the face and say 'well, there's a plan here'. Especially when that face is the face of my 4-year old sunshine.

My sincerest thanks for your continued prayers. Even in my exhaustion, I still believe and proclaim that Jesus saves and heals, fully and completely. I claim those things and pray that God will touch Logan, rid him of the cancer once and for all and protect him from future relapses.