About Us

Our family of 6 (dad Adam, mom Sherry, big sister Abby and little brothers Isaac and Brady -- who was born on December 14, 2010) joined the ranks of pediatric cancer fighters when our 4-year old son Logan was diagnosed with a dangerous and highly malignant form of brain cancer in mid-August 2010. Logan's cancer journey began abruptly on Sunday, August 15, when his right eye suddenly turned inward during dinner. Twenty-four hours later, we were checking into Children's Hospital Oakland and finding out that life sometimes takes you places you'd never, ever imagine yourself going.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Hurt Feelings

I'm sensitive. I try to hide it with humor much of the time because I never want anyone to know precisely how sensitive I am, but it's extraordinarily easy to hurt my feelings. And naturally, no one is better at doing it than the people I care about most.

I had a very frustrating afternoon. I gathered the items Logan had requested I bring -- fruit snacks (three different kinds, in case he was feeling finicky), a new Cars diecast vehicle and two books about cars -- and then headed to CHO for a three-hour stint. And what happened? He spent nearly two hours crying that he missed daddy and wanted daddy and wanted me to go away so daddy could come back. (Forty-five minutes were spent sleeping, and the other fifteen involved a game of Candyland and half a game of Boggle.) He yelled so loudly that I could feel the eyes looking at me and silently judging me for not being as desired as Adam. I was so ashamed and embarrassed, and wished I'd been a better mom so that he'd want me there as much as he wanted his dad.

It absolutely breaks my heart. It's almost more than I can take. After all, I'm the one who keeps track of his Cars collection, knows which ones he's missing, and buys the new ones. I'm the one who carried him, birthed him, mothered him, stayed home with him almost every day of his life up until his diagnosis changed everything. And now, he doesn't want me anymore. He just wants his daddy.

It's awful, really. Not only do I feel rejected, but I'm jealous of Adam. Since I was pregnant, I wasn't able to spend the nights at CHO with him, so Adam took my place as numero uno in his little heart. I resent being booted and it just makes me... sad. And of course, I feel silly and sad for being jealous.

It's horrible to feel so unwanted.

But anyway, this is all terribly self-indulgent of me. My apologies.

Logan is doing fine with recovery. There are orders in place to move him to the oncology wing, but it's full right now. Over full, actually, so I'm not sure if he'll get a bed or not. It's a shame, because he hates the ICU and being there has a terrible effect on his emotional state.

Please pray that a room elsewhere will open up for him so he can get away from the ICU. Pray also that Brady will sleep well tonight and tomorrow night. He's had two nights in a row of awful rest, which means I've gotten little sleep myself. And when I don't sleep, it wears one me. I'm less patient, less kind, less loving. Less of the person I should be. And of course and as always, please continue the prayers for healing.

Thank you and good night.


  1. Sherry, you are an incredible mom. I don't know how you have managed to hold up so well through everything. You are very strong. Logan loves you so much, he is just feeling some new baby jealousy, I believe. My second child became attached to my husband when the third child was born. It literally began the day he saw the baby in the hospital. I'm never enough for him anymore...so sad. But I know that he really adores me, and this is just his was of "getting back at me" for having someone else occupy me. Logan is reacting like any kid would (and should) with a new baby taking up mom's time. It's ok.

    I am so thankful that the surgery was so successful and that you can finally have relief. Your prayers, love, and support brought positive results. Think about how things are finally getting better and don't worry about the daddy attachment. I promise it will shift back (or at least be more equal) when you least expect it to. Just continue to love him unconditionally, and don't feel hurt. He is a tiny little guy just trying to get the attention he feels he needs. Sherry, you are just such an incredible person. Stay strong, continue to have faith, and keep writing these wonderful, thoughtful blog entries so we can all continue to be part of your life.

  2. I am so sorry you are feeling hurt right now. Like the above poster said, I went through a similar thing with Alyssa when Kailey was born - Alyssa wanted nothing to do with me. This lasted a few months and was very hard for me to deal with. I can only imagine it's a million times harder for you right now with everything you have going on. I am praying for you and as always will continue to pray for Logan's complete healing. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I hope you can find some comfort in the people who are reading along and praying for you and your family.

  3. I am so sorry that you are feeling rejected. I hope that you know that it has nothing to do with you, it is just a normal little phase that little ones go through. Logan totally loves you and thinks you are super cool! His preferences will shift back and forth throughout his life - this is just your husband's time.

  4. Praying for Logan's demands to lighten and for God to give you even more patience and resilience to cope with the demands/breakdowns that he does have :( This has got to be very emotionally draining. I'm so sorry...
    Praying that Brady would let you sleep!! Sleep is so precious and of course you need it even more when coping with the amount of stress you have and the busy schedule! Praying praying praying!!

  5. Oh, Sherry, HUGS!!! I think all moms know that feeling at one time or another (even I do, when L cries in my arms and as soon as Arkady picks her up, she's super happy). Feel free to vent any time - it's so much better to express that and just get it out. Just know that IT'S NOT YOU. Right now, subconsciously, he probably doesn't want to be nurtured (which is what moms do), he wants Adam's manly presence (that sounds so cheesy... but I think it's true) so he can buck up and feel more manly himself after all that he's been through. It's so hard to accept that because as a mom, you do so much, keep so many things organized and in perfect readiness - but it's like behind the scenes work that he won't really get to appreciate until he's a little older. Just know that a mom is always special. I've seen this so many times with my guy friends - their mom is always the secret pinnacle of womanhood, beauty and love, which is what you are to Logan and will always be, even if now he wants to be sheltered in Adam's bigger arms. Sending you love and prayers for patience and sleep! You are an amazing mom.

  6. I'd be jealous, too. How could anyone not be?


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