Hurt Feelings

I'm sensitive. I try to hide it with humor much of the time because I never want anyone to know precisely how sensitive I am, but it's extraordinarily easy to hurt my feelings. And naturally, no one is better at doing it than the people I care about most.

I had a very frustrating afternoon. I gathered the items Logan had requested I bring -- fruit snacks (three different kinds, in case he was feeling finicky), a new Cars diecast vehicle and two books about cars -- and then headed to CHO for a three-hour stint. And what happened? He spent nearly two hours crying that he missed daddy and wanted daddy and wanted me to go away so daddy could come back. (Forty-five minutes were spent sleeping, and the other fifteen involved a game of Candyland and half a game of Boggle.) He yelled so loudly that I could feel the eyes looking at me and silently judging me for not being as desired as Adam. I was so ashamed and embarrassed, and wished I'd been a better mom so that he'd want me there as much as he wanted his dad.

It absolutely breaks my heart. It's almost more than I can take. After all, I'm the one who keeps track of his Cars collection, knows which ones he's missing, and buys the new ones. I'm the one who carried him, birthed him, mothered him, stayed home with him almost every day of his life up until his diagnosis changed everything. And now, he doesn't want me anymore. He just wants his daddy.

It's awful, really. Not only do I feel rejected, but I'm jealous of Adam. Since I was pregnant, I wasn't able to spend the nights at CHO with him, so Adam took my place as numero uno in his little heart. I resent being booted and it just makes me... sad. And of course, I feel silly and sad for being jealous.

It's horrible to feel so unwanted.

But anyway, this is all terribly self-indulgent of me. My apologies.

Logan is doing fine with recovery. There are orders in place to move him to the oncology wing, but it's full right now. Over full, actually, so I'm not sure if he'll get a bed or not. It's a shame, because he hates the ICU and being there has a terrible effect on his emotional state.

Please pray that a room elsewhere will open up for him so he can get away from the ICU. Pray also that Brady will sleep well tonight and tomorrow night. He's had two nights in a row of awful rest, which means I've gotten little sleep myself. And when I don't sleep, it wears one me. I'm less patient, less kind, less loving. Less of the person I should be. And of course and as always, please continue the prayers for healing.

Thank you and good night.