Here.... Again.

We --meaning Adam, Logan, Brady and me, since Abby and Isaac spent the night at grandma's house-- arose at 5:30 this morning to head to CHO for surgery. Logan was cranky today, no doubt, complaining that his tummy hurt and repeatedly coughing up the same small amount of 'stuff' that he's been coughing up for weeks now. Months, really. Anyway, we got here, got checked in, and went to pre-op, where Logan's favorite radiation nurse, Jeri, popped by to say hi. We spoke with the anesthesiologist, Dr. H, who he's had several times before, and asked about his numbers from yesterday. Triglycerides were, thankfully, down to 212, a marked improvement over Friday's 1,100. But it's hard to know if that's a true improvement or if it's because he hasn't been eating much. His weight was also down to 17.4 kilos, which is a fairly significant drop, but again, he hasn't been eating much; just a bite of this or that.

It's frustrating to be here again. Heartbreaking. He's suffering so horribly right now that it shreds my heart into pieces. I try not to think about it, but I'm not an automaton. It crushes me to see him so uncomfortable. Not eating. Sad. Tired. Not himself.

There are still rare moments when he's still his genuine, sunny self, but they're rare. My heart leaps for joy when he smiles or says something predictable. But then he goes back to being surly and whiny, and the moment's gone.

I'm worn out. And I'm angry that the devil, that wretched fallen spirit, has targeted such a beautiful soul in such a heinous way. But although my heart weeps over the way things are, I trust that they'll be better soon, because God says He's good, and God cannot lie. It is the ENEMY who brings disease and sickness. So even as I feel sorrow over how things have transpired, I know that God is still the God of healing, and that as a Christian, I have the authority to send satan packing back to hell.

I guess that's a little intense for the morning, but it's the Truth. And I'm stickin' to it.