About Us

Our family of 6 (dad Adam, mom Sherry, big sister Abby and little brothers Isaac and Brady -- who was born on December 14, 2010) joined the ranks of pediatric cancer fighters when our 4-year old son Logan was diagnosed with a dangerous and highly malignant form of brain cancer in mid-August 2010. Logan's cancer journey began abruptly on Sunday, August 15, when his right eye suddenly turned inward during dinner. Twenty-four hours later, we were checking into Children's Hospital Oakland and finding out that life sometimes takes you places you'd never, ever imagine yourself going.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Too Much?

A lot of you are connected to me on Facebook so you saw my status update from earlier today. After roughly 4 hours under the knife, Dr. S finished his work on Logan and came out to talk to Adam and I. He took a seat, a breath, and declared simply "it looks like tumor" according to the quick-freeze pathology. He said that he got a large chunk of it --perhaps more than he thought he'd get from the imaging-- but as we knew previously, the mass was too tightly entwined in his spinal cord's nerve fibers to get it all. So a piece remains. In addition, the neurological stimulation they did on his legs yielded no response. So he's paralyzed for now.

We were stonefaced when we got the news. Stonefaced. I felt a twinge of sheer agony, of course, but I was holding Brady, we were sitting in the cafeteria surrounded by people enjoying their mid-afternoon meals, and well, there's always something surreal about those moments. It's like the world is about to come crashing down on you and there's absolutely nothing you can do to avoid the fallout. Once the initial stonefacedness wears off and physical reality sets in, that is.

Logan was moved to a private room in the PICU --it has to be private since he's still immunologically challenged from the BMT cycle last year-- and I went in to see him. (Adam and I found a relatively quiet place to talk and pray beforehand, of course. But the details of that conversation are going to stay private.) He was still sleeping from the anesthesia, and he was getting a blood transfusion. Apparently his hematocrit dropped after the anesthesiologist hydrated him. His heartrate was lower than I'd seen it in ages, in the 40s and 50s --which I admit was very scary, given than he's been tachycardic for over a year now. His body temperature was only 95 degrees, so his nurse was trying to get him warmed up with layers of warm blankets. His blood pressure was still on the high side, but his respirations were good. So all in all, stable. Not good-stable, but stable enough for him to be left in the care of just the PICU nurse (as opposed to the PICU and recovery room nurses).

I'm not sure when the actual pathology report is due in, but Adam said that Philippa said Dr. T would come see us tomorrow. The assumption is almost certainly that it's AT/RT, slowed by Avastin, Accutane and Vorinostat, but I don't know. I do know that in order for him to qualify for any experimental treatments --which are all that's left at this point-- his general health has to improve quite a lot. Dr. T did tell Adam that there are drugs we can try that might slow growth or cause tumor shrinkage for a while, but so far, there's nothing curative available.

I feel broken inside. More than broken. Angry, bitter, frustrated, betrayed, victimized. I firmly believe that illness --especially illness in children-- is 100% of Satan, but I don't understand why I can't get him off of Logan's back --literally. There's no glory in the suffering of a child, period. I know that some of you will argue with me on that, but you're wrong. God is good and loves children. And He can't lie, so when He says that sickness comes from evil, that's where it comes from. Period. Evil runs rampant in this world, hell-bent on taking out the best of us. I mean, come on. The one thing that so many of you always remarked on was Logan's beautiful smile: Even with no hair, no eyelashes, skin and bones body, he still had that winning grin. But now, of course, the smile is marred by paralysis. Purely evil. I call the devil out on that one. It's a cruel attack, nothing more, nothing less. A cruel, soulless attack designed to hurt us and to make Logan suffer more. That's not of God. That's nothing that God would will. And if you think it is, I beg you to re-read your Bibles and re-examine your perspective.

Anyway. That's where we are. I've cried a lot this evening. A lot-lot. But I'm reasonably calm now, and I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up on figuring out how I can claim authority over evil and cast it out of Logan once and for all. I'm not giving up on Logan's future here. I'm not giving up on seeing my family completely whole and healed. I'm crushed, but not destroyed. So please: Don't give up on Logan. It's what Satan wants. Don't give in to him. Pray harder, pass it on, profess authority over evil. Because after all: He who is in us is GREATER than he who is in the world.

25 comments:

  1. heartbroken for you. But I will not give up! I will continue with prayers. I am so sorry.

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  2. Oh there are not words. I don't know how you do this, but you amaze me over and over and over. We still pray for Logan everyday and will continue to. Your poor sweet boy. And your family! I don't know how a mom survives what you've been through. My heart breaks for you guys. You and Adam are heroes. And I'm praying for you.

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  3. Praying for you and for Logan!

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  4. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

    Praying that you feel His tangible presence holding you tight and that you wake up with a fresh helping of His goodness in the morning. Praying God's Word over Logan.

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  5. Oh Sherry. This is purely as gut wrenching as it gets. I am still believing and every day keep you close in my heart and prayers. We will not give up.

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  6. Thank you for the update. I am not connected to you on FB, so I look forward to these entries. I will continue to lift Logan in prayer and know that God will lay his hands on him and heal him completely. I believe in miracles, too. And Logan WILL be one of them.

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  7. I'm so sorry, Sherry. I will continue to pray for Logan.

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  8. Prayed for you at choir last night (as we do nearly every week).

    this morning, in my devotion time, I read Psalm 13 and I felt moved to share it with you. I hope that it can be an encouragement to you today.

    Psalm 13
    A David Psalm
    1 Long enough, God-you've ignored me long enough. I've looked at the back of your head2 Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain. Long enough my arrogant enemies have looked down their noses at me.

    3 Take a good look at me, God, my God; I want to look life in the eye,4 So no enemy can get the best of me or laugh when I fall on my face.

    5 I've thrown myself headlong into your arms-I'm celebrating your rescue.6 I'm singing at the top of my lungs, I'm so full of answered prayers.

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  9. We are always praying Sherry. Derek and I had an at-length conversation the other night about Logan, and about cancer, and about God being the ultimate Healer. He was asking a lot about why the "medicine isn't working" because Logan isn't ALL better yet, and when we could come back to town and visit Logan to have a playdate. The questions kept coming and I didn't know how to answer a lot of them, but to simply say to Derek that this is WHY we continue to pray all of the time for Logan to get better. Because truly, truly it is God who will be the One to make his body whole and healthy again.
    Continuing to pray that. Especially at these critical times where satan seems to step in once again and try to dash all hope. There are many choice words I'd like to say about that right now..but won't.
    Lots and lots of love to you guys.And LOTS of prayers.

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  10. Praying for Logan to have the answers found, the healing to begin and the recovery to be what we are all praying for! many happy, possitive, thoughts our being sent your way!!! from my family to yours ~ love~peace~joy~hope~believe~

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  11. I will not give up praying either! I completely agree that sickness and disease is never the plan of God. This is the work of Satan for sure. And I will keep pleading the healing blood of Jesus over your precious boy, that he be healed and whole in Jesus' name. I pray that God performs a miracle that stuns the doctors and nurses and brings Glory to His name and restores your family completely. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I will continue to pray for strength, peace, and joy in the midst of this...for you to feel the overwhelming presence of God.

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  12. I am so sorry Sherry and I continue to pray for Logan and your entire family. I, too, am not connected to you on FB so I check this blog often for updates. Thank you for sharing your updates with all of us.

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  13. Sherry, I will continue sending up the timber on Logans behalf, not ever giving up on him. Satan, I command you to flee, in the name of Jesus the Christ. Father God, I am calling on a miracle of complete healing of little Logan, Father God, I ask this and all things in the precious name of Jesus the Christ. AMEN

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  14. I don't know you, but just read this and my heart goes out to your family. I will keep Logan in my prayers.

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  15. So beautifully written, mama. I don't know why children and their families must suffer. I don't have any answers. But I say that you have a right to think and feel anything you need to think and feel and that the God of my understanding is more than strong enough for you.

    Please, if you're able, give Logan a hug for me. Offering up my sufferings, small as they are, for his healing.

    I'm not very good at finding words to pray. I'm only good for loving and hurting for people. I rely on the child's prayer. "Angel of God, Logan's guardian dear, to whom God's love commends him here. Ever this day be at his side to light and guard to rule and guide. In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen."

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  16. Kim Smith Morgan sends her love, too, but can't log in for some reason. She wants you to know she's praying. ~mar

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  17. Just learned about your little boy through Becca Cochran on FB. Praying for healing, for peace and understanding. My heart goes out to you.

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  18. Hugs to you, Logan and the family. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, Sherry. Stay strong and one day He will listen - for sure!

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  19. Sherry, I was so sorry to read this tonight. We are all praying - a lot - and I know first hand that prayers work. So we are praying a lot - a whole crew of us here in Arkansas. All for you, your family, and most of all - Logan. That poor baby. So much suffering at his young age - and yet so much strength. Gosh, he just amazes me. Totally amazes me.

    I know he will be 100% healed.

    Geez, I really wish I could do something to help. Is there anything I can do? Anything???

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  20. Lifting you up in prayer and support...

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  21. My prayers are with you and your family. Logan, I hope you feel better soon, little warrior.

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  22. Always praying for Logan....

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  23. I am so very sorry that you've had yet more devastating news. Sending you prayers that you'll feel God's love in unexpected ways. I stayed up waaayyyy too late last night reading your blog - you've had so many moments of seeing the unexpected miracles and I pray that you'll be able to find those again in these incredibly difficult days.

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  24. Praying everyday for Logan's complete healing, and for peace and serenity for you and your incredible family...

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