I've had a mentally tough time of it lately. Now that things are a little quieter, a little more restful, so to speak, I struggle with the 'whys' of Logan's illness. A lot.
On one hand, I know it's a pointless quest. I realize that I'll never know the 'why' of it all on this side of heaven. It just is what it is. But that knowledge doesn't help me. It doesn't assuage the pain of seeing Logan suffer, of feeling like a failure because I can't stop it or even make it better 9 times out of 10. Of feeling like I did something wrong to cause it all in the first place.
And it doesn't help my relationship with God. This will be controversial, I know, but I just can't explain what this experience has done to my faith. On some levels, it's deeper than ever. But on others, it's on tenuous ground. It was one thing when I could look at the suffering that runs rampant in the world, click my tongue, throw a check at it, and then close the door and pretend it wasn't really there. It's another thing entirely to become a symbol of suffering that others seem to go out of their way to shut out. I guess I deserve it on some level, but it doesn't lessen the sting. Not one single, solitary bit. It stings to know that Logan's preschool class is meeting for a play date tomorrow and we can't go. It stings whenever I email someone with an update and there's no response. It's sort of sad, but I do still need to know that people are there, thinking and praying for Logan and for our family. I know, I know: There are some of you who are very much there. And I thank you so much for being there. But the weak part of me needs visibility, and it's really been lacking of late. I don't have a huge following here and it's a lonely path to walk.
But anyway, I suppose that's just a lot of rambling. I've taken gobs of video this summer and need to work on uploading a good one for you all to see. I'm not particularly tech-savvy, hence the delay, but I'll get to it.
Blessings to you.