The Past Few Days

I'd intended to post before I went to sleep last night. I brought my laptop up to bed but then Brady woke up calling for me in his baby way and in my tiredness, I lost the inspiration.

Logan's initial fever and ostensibly swollen appendix bought him at least three days at CHO. But I'll back up a little and fill in the details.

There was a great deal of indecision from the surgical team over whether or not they'd perform an appendectomy yesterday morning. At first, they said no, they'd just watch him. A little while later, word was that they were leaning heavily in the direction of moving forward with the procedure after all. Then after the surgeon came in and examined Logan, pushing and prodding on his little belly and talking with him to gauge his level of discomfort, they decided not to do it.

And that's where things were left. The primary reasons were twofold. For one, they weren't absolutely certain that it's swollen. Compounding that truth was the notion that even if it is swollen, there's no guarantee that appendicitis itself is the root cause. Given that information, Dr. G --who is so young and unassuming that we tend to drop the formalities and call him Jacob-- decided to stop one of his oral chemo drugs, ironically the one we struggled to have filled in the first place earlier in the week. It's a form of the acne drug accutane, and apparently it not only dries out skin, but other organs as well. I don't really understand its role here or why Jacob thinks it may have something to do with a swollen appendix, but I have to trust that he knows what he's doing.

Beyond that, his fever has so far stayed down, and he was in good spirits yesterday when we visited. He was eager to get up out of bed, and routinely hopped up and attempted to drag his IV pole out of the room, requiring quick reminders that though it's fine to troll the hallway, he still needs to wear his hat and mask for protection.

So anyway, the plan set forth was to watch him for an initial 24 hours, and then for an additional 24 hours after his fever subsided. It's a little repetitive since it's been down since shortly after he arrived at CHO on Thursday night and was given fluids and a set of broad-spectrum antibiotics, but caution is a good thing. As far as I know, the blood cultures drawn haven't yet grown anything. It's possible that the root of the fever was a raging ear infection, which is a bit ironic since he had tubes just a few weeks ago. But not entirely unexpected, as his right ear had been running non-stop. The fluid had always been clear, but I guess it wasn't so clear --or runny, per se-- by the time he and Adam got to the hospital.

Hopefully, he'll be released tomorrow (Sunday) morning. That's what we'd like.

As for me, I'm not in the greatest place. It's a small thing, being readmitted for a few days thanks to an unexplained fever -- particularly in light of the monthlong-plus stays we've coped with in the recent past. But for me, it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It was just enough to push me right over the edge and make me really, really angry. And I'm still mad. I have no pretty words to share about God and how He's handling things. I still feel tired and betrayed and victimized and frustrated and, well, angry. I'm asking a lot of hard questions about faith that I'm mad I even have to ask in the first place; questions that the great majority of people never even have to entertain. I'm bitter over that. I'm bitter that 'hey at least he's alive' is probably the biggest positive in my life right now. Not that it's not a good thing, but why did he have to be sick in the first place? I'm bitter that I haven't been home in 2 1/2 years and have no idea when I'll be able to go again; that the county fair that I love and enjoyed as a child is going on right now and I can't be there. I'm bitter that I've lived in fear and agony for the past year. I'm bitter that I'm no more special to God for having endured all of this than someone who lives on easy street and has simple faith that's never been --and likely never will be-- challenged in such a brutal, gut-wrenching way.

I know a lot of this is ugly. But I vowed long ago that I'd be truthful here, so that's what I'm doing. I'm sure some of my anger is misplaced; I know that there's a battle going on here and that the lion's share of my rage should be directed at the dark side. But I'm angry with God for allowing it to go on; after all, He can change things in the blink of an eye. And I feel like I've had more than enough, Logan's had more than enough, our family's had more than enough.

Anyway. If you pray, I thank you for continuing to lift up Logan and our family. I'm too upset to be there right now, but I'm grateful to you for taking up the armor for us and for asking your friends to do the same. Have a good weekend.