Sunday Discombobulation

I thought about it for quite some time and decided that it's the perfect word for how I'm feeling: Discombobulated. Off-kilter. Or perhaps more simply put, just plain upset.

Logan is, of course, still at CHO. He'll be there until the doctor is able to identify the precise bacterium that is responsible for his infection. Hopefully that will happen tomorrow, but it could take a few days more. Identifying the bug is essential because they need to know if the particular strain he has is resistent to a particular drug that they want to use to treat him. So that's that. The upside is that his counts and levels have all looked good so far.

I took my shift with him from 11 until 5 today. During my time there, Logan was mostly bored and cranky. He was amused with the Mater the Greater set that I dug up in my garage and took to him, but the amusement didn't last long and he was quickly back to being surly and disagreeable.

It breaks my heart. It makes me tired. It makes me jealous. It makes me feel unloved, unappreciated and unwanted. I've had a particularly tough weekend emotionally. But I'm doing what I can to move away from the negativity.

It may seem an obvious observation, but I'll share a simple thought I had a few days ago when it felt like the walls were really closing in on me again: When lots of bad things happen to us at once, it's the evil one trying to break us. In my weakened state, I confess that it's hard to not be broken; it's hard to not be shattered and pulverized, in fact. But still, even in my frustration and exhaustion, I'll still refuse to be broken in that way. God has carried our family through the horrific events of the past year, and even though I can't feel His love, I have to believe that He will continue to be present.

Thank you for continuing to pray for Logan's healing and for our family.