High Anxiety

It never fails that big days coincide with significant increases in my anxiety level. It's been that way for me for some time now.

Today is our 9th wedding anniversary. But I spent most of the day stressing over Logan's right eye and over his health. After looking good for a few weeks, his eye was wonky again today. On top of that, he seemed tired and low-energy. And even further, he's been off of his oral chemo regimen this week so his primary could check him and make sure that his swollen appenix wasn't related to the drugs. It's true that he has a fairly major ear infection and he still doesn't eat much, but I've been near-obsessively worrying about him today and part of yesterday. And I did myself no favors yesterday when I asked Philippa when his next MRI would be; she told me that since they'd only scanned his spine last month, we were still on course to have one mid to late September. And my heart sank. I was much better off when I thought they'd done both his spine as well as his brain, and the information made me horribly paranoid. I suddenly viewed my little sunshine differently; I was no longer able to overlook nuanced differences in his appearance. Never mind that he never once complained that his tummy hurt or threaten to throw up.

I watched him like a hawk today, trying to see if his eye seemed any straighter as the day wore on (it didn't) and persistently asked him if he felt okay (yes); if he had an owies (no). I'm sure I annoyed him to pieces, but of course he's too sweet to complain or to tell me to just chill.

He has his monthly oncology clinic visit on Friday, which is a blessing. It'll give us (well, probably Adam since he's the one who will likely take Logan) the chance to ask all of our questions and for Dr. T to do the usual neurological exams. I'm scared to pieces over all of this and just want everything to be okay.

Please pray for my sanity and, as always, for Logan's health and healing. I need a mental vacation. I know God can work miracles. That's what I'm asking for right now: Amazing things.