About Us

Our family of 6 (dad Adam, mom Sherry, big sister Abby and little brothers Isaac and Brady -- who was born on December 14, 2010) joined the ranks of pediatric cancer fighters when our 4-year old son Logan was diagnosed with a dangerous and highly malignant form of brain cancer in mid-August 2010. Logan's cancer journey began abruptly on Sunday, August 15, when his right eye suddenly turned inward during dinner. Twenty-four hours later, we were checking into Children's Hospital Oakland and finding out that life sometimes takes you places you'd never, ever imagine yourself going.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Tuesday

There's really nothing intrinsically easy about this experience. It's hard to be tired, it's hard to be worried. It's brutally difficult to watch human suffering, especially when your own flesh and blood must endure the brunt of the attack. It's maddening to watch it all happen and be unable to stop it or make it markedly better. But it is what it is. It's our lot. I can own it. I don't want to own it, but I can. And I do.

I've had a lot of little thoughts ping ponging around in my brain of late. Primarily, when I see suffering in the face of my sunshine, I question God. Not His existence, nor His plan, nor His greatness. Nor his power or glory. Nor His great love for others. What I question is His great love for me. Because I don't feel loved.

It's not been an easy life for me. I know, I know: Everyone faces challenges. But as Pastor Mike once said to me, some people do indeed have to walk more difficult, pain-filled paths than others. And although I'm hesitant to go into detail, believe me when I say that mine has been hard -- very hard and very painful -- at various times. I've struggled with what was probably depression in the past; the kind of sadness that you can't just shake or get over by humming a happy tune. I'm not really in a place like that now; no, I'm too emotionally detached to feel depressed. I'm sad, but not as low as I've been at other times.

Of course, I know that love doesn't always mean you get what you want. I know that discipline is a form of love, when done in a loving manner. But I feel beaten, punished in a cruel fashion. Love? No. Scorn? Yes. Disapproval? Absolutely.

I worry that Logan won't be healed because God doesn't love me enough to give me the one thing that my heart wants more than anything else. I worry that despite my intellect and my book-smarts knowledge of God's nature telling me otherwise, this is indeed some sort of harsh punishment for an indiscretion long forgotten. I've always feared God more than anything. Because of my experiences, I've spent much of my time tip-toeing through life, trying to be as perfect as possible in a fruitless attempt to avoid further censure. Clearly, those attempts failed. Miserably. It's not that I expected them to work; I merely hoped to avoid more searing, crushing pain.

And I know that a lot of you will want to correct me here, but I'll just gently remind you that you aren't me; you don't know my full story. I'll also say that this was very difficult to write, so please respond in kind fashion, if you choose to respond at all. More than anything, please pray for Logan to be made well.

And I'll do the same. And I'll also pray for my own unbelief.

Good night and thank you.

13 comments:

  1. Praying....a lot! For all of you!

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  2. God's grace is greater than any indiscretion or failure, Sherry, and I can say that only because His Word says that, and I believe what He says. Psalm 103:8-13, especially verse 10. I sure don't understand suffering and why some families have more pain than others, but I do know that God's grace and mercy never fail, and we have a secure hope in Him. I'm praying for Him to wrap His arms around you in a very tangible way today, Sherry, and I'm praying much for your sweet Logan.

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  3. I think it is sooo important to try and stay in touch with what YOU are feeling especially when you are teetering...reach out to God, friends, family and even outside help if necessary. This has to be one of the hardest roads that there is but you are never alone.

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  4. I can't judge because I know those feelings to well. I could have written those words. My heart aches and breaks for you every day. I pray that God brings complete healing to Logan, and I pray that He lavishes His love on you and lets you see just a glimpse of how enormous it really is. I struggle with this daily, I can never be good enough. (((((BigHugs)))))

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  5. I love that verse -- "I do believe, help me in my unbelief." ::hugs:: I hear you and feel you. Love and prayers.

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  6. I've struggled with the same thoughts, Sherry, and probably will struggle again. After the Holocaust, which took a lot of my family, I think Jews have a fundamentally different relationship w/G'd than Christians do, so I've given this concept a lot of thought throughout my life. In the end, I just don't think it has anything to do with you or what you may have done or not done. A speeding ticket for going too fast on the freeway, yes. Cancer for your son? No. Sorry if this is what you meant when you said not to correct you, but I feel so strongly about this, I just had to say it. Cancer is an evil and you all are doing the best you can to fight against it. It's not going quietly, it's really strong. If G'd could extinguish all evil in the world with a thought, He would probably do it, but it takes a huge fight from Him, from you, from all of us. I'm praying right along with you for Logan's healing, I'm praying that He calls out the cavalry and crushes this evil and your family will emerge victorious.

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  7. Sherry, Continuing to pray each and every day for Logan to be made completely whole and cancer free right here on earth, so that countless people will see him and say, medically speaking, this shouldn't have happened. I want God to reveal himself to the masses through this miraculous healing! I also continue to pray for you and Adam relentlessly. I cannot begin to imagine the road that has become your life, or the roller coaster of emotions that take over day in and day out. I pray for Jesus to pull you up into His lap and sing you a sweet lullaby that will soothe your hurting soul. Logan's Army stands in the gap when your unbelief is hiding your faith, praying and interceding on your behalf. We will not stop praying!

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  8. Keeping you in my prayers sweetie and Logan also. Hugs and prayers, please know I'm praying for you to stay strong, this is so hard on you and I think everyone should remember that. As a mother to a mother, this is probably more difficult for you than anyone of us could fathom. Christy mother to Amy

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  10. Sherry. Blah. Yuck. I don't even know what to comment...
    I just want you to know that we, as your friends, don't judge you for any of the ways you feel at any given moment in this battle, or judge any of the thoughts or questions you have. There's just no way to stand by and have to watch/hear a friend go through this and then turn around and say how you should be taking it or how you should be feeling. There's just no way.
    I think that in different ways I have greatly struggled with that same concept ~ even though, as you said, your head-knowledge reminds you it's not true, you think how can I just keep being "good enough", "kind enough", "helpful enough" etc to stay in God's graces and not cause Him to allow bad things to happen to me? I can't imagine the magnitude of it being in reference to your baby boy having to suffer through something and you wishing you could have done something better to keep him out of harms way.
    I know it won't mean much, but it truly is nothing you did or could have done differently. There's so, so much I can't even begin to understand about why God works the way He does and anything that has to do with the "unfairnesses" of life. It's all beyond mentally puzzling, and at times downright infuriating.
    Praying that God would not only give you the perseverance and patience to deal with this trial, but that He would MAKE you feel LOVED. Make it a clear, clear feeling to you and not just once, but daily reassuringly to you. As always, praying for Logan's total domination over this awful illness. Praying that there will be big healing in the coming days, weeks and months. Also praying for you guys to be able to get back to a "normal" life with all the milestones and joys that come with it. Praying praying praying!!!
    So many hugs to you Sherry.

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  11. As always, continuing to pray for Logan's complete healing with miraculous minimal side effects from radiation. Continuing to recruit prayer warriors. Praying for peace within you entire family admits this horrendous storm. Love to you and your family, Nancy

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  12. Dear Sherri,
    No judgement, just tenderness coming your way from our family. Let all of our prayers lift you up.
    B+
    Faith

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