Free falling

And I'm free, free fallin'
Yeah I'm free, free fallin'

Okay, so it's a little unconventional for me to begin a post by quoting a Tom Petty song. What makes it even more bizarre is the fact that I don't care for much of the singer's music. But this particular tune has been lazily floating around in my head for days now, so I figured it was time to share it, and why it's significant to me at this point in my life.

I've never been much on spontaneity. That's probably why I'm a bad traveler, why so many things get under my skin and stress me out. Yet here I am, stuck in the most uncontrollable kind of situation I can imagine, watching my dear, sweet sunshine go through cancer treatment, blissfully and torturously unaware of whether or not the toxic rays are successfully taking out his disease. I pray with every fiber of myself that they are and that God is using them as a means of destroying the evil that's trying to destroy Logan, but the cold, hard truth is that I simply don't know what's happening. So, in essence, I'm in a free fall.

As a planner and control freak, it's both exhiliarating and terrifying to find myself free falling like this. It's scary to be hurtling, full-speed, toward unseen ground below, unsure of whether we'll land safely in a meadow with a gentle ploof or in a pit of scalding lava. But at the same time, it's freeing to realize that in a very legitimate sense, there is truly nothing I can do to control what's happening. This time of free fallin' has forced me to my knees, and to acknowledge that God is all-powerful. It's not that I haven't done so in the past, but this time, it's different. No matter how much I wheedle or bargain, I know I can't control cancer.

So for now, I'm trying to enjoy the ride as much as my fearful soul will allow. I'm feeling the air whisk by and that electric jetstream of adrenaline that keeps me on my toes. And I'm trying to keep the faith and the hope alive because I am tired, worn out, almost numb from the wind that rushes by as I fall. It's hard. As someone who would never willingly jump from a plane, it's very, very hard.

Thank you for your prayers and for being a part of Logan's team.