The side effects of the treatment are becoming increasingly obvious as the days pass. His hair, the stubbly prickles that I'd quietly treasured seeing once again after their long absence, has mostly fallen out. His hearing is no longer perfect; he now yells much of the time and repeats 'what? what?' multiple times a day. His numbers are low but okay; his platelets this morning were only 40, so Philippa called and advised that we not give him his oral chemo med until they stabilize, which they should theoretically do now that the full craniospinal radiation is complete.
And I continue to feel sad. Sad over the hair loss, trivial as it is; sad over the hearing loss; sad over the loss of normalcy and the loss of Logan's innocence at such a tender age. Sad over the painful fact that my life is like this, and that although everyone else can simply pop in and out as they please, I'm stuck dealing with this pain indefinitely. Sad that I can't motivate myself to find ways to add more warriors to Logan's team. Sad that I can't seem to feel hopeful about any of this anymore. So yeah. Just sad.
As I sit here typing, our computer is playing a mix of old photos, which also make me sad. They're photos of happier times; photos of Logan looking as he used to look -- healthy and vibrant -- and of me looking as I used to look, probably 10 years younger and lightyears happier. All of this weighs so heavily on me that it's hard to get up, but I do because there isn't an alternative. I get up, I do what I need to do, and I try to pretend that I'm fine when I'm not. I try to pretend that it doesn't break my heart when I see one of Logan's little friends running and playing, healthy and happy. Not because I don't want them to be healthy, but because I don't understand why my son can't be healthy too. I try to pretend that it's fine that I pour my heart into these entries when it seems like they go largely unread. And I really do know: I do know that it's hard to know what to say, that everyone else has a life to attend to. But it's hard to feel sad and left behind and stuck.
I keep waiting for the day when I'll wake up and feel better, because I know it'll come. I know this is a very negative entry, but I promised to be real from the beginning of this journey, and this is simply my reality right now.
Thank you for your prayers. I don't know what to ask you to pray for anymore aside from Logan's healing, but hope that you'll find the words anyway.
Always praying for Logan's healing. Also praying that hope and happiness return to you soon.
ReplyDeleteOh Sherry, I am so sad that your new reality is filled with sadness! I pray that the sun that is finally shining outside will begin to thaw out your broken heart and restore hope in your spirit. I do not have any answers for you, just a sincere promise to pray without ceasing, for complete healing for Logan and for your faith to be restored. Your whole family is loved!
ReplyDeletealways reading, always praying! ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteDearest Sherry, many hugs to you and your family. We are thinking about you and praying for you every day.
ReplyDeleteWanted to send a comment to let you know that we are praying and check the blog everyday. I also check in with others that I have asked to pray for Logan and your entire family.
ReplyDeleteEven though I do not know you personally, God has placed your family on my heart.
we are still here and we still are praying. thank you for sharing both the good and the not so good with us. We love all of you and we hope that you will see the sun again in your life soon.
ReplyDeletePrayers don't always have words -- God hears the groanings of our hearts. We are continuing to hold Logan, and you and the whole family in prayer.
ReplyDeleteSherry, we pray for you everyday. Logan is like a part of our family and so are you guys because you are written on our hearts. You can call me anytime for any reason. I know you have others helping out, but just in case you need one more, I want to help as much as I can.
ReplyDeleteGod, You are the God of all comfort who comforts Your people. Please be the Wight's comforter today. Amen ~
Sherry, we don't know each other, but I read every blog entry and I pray for Logan and your family daily. I was introduced to your blog several months ago by a mutual friend who asked me to keep your family in prayer, and I've been following every since. I have a little boy close to Logan's age, and while I cannot begin to relate to what you go through daily, I can sympathize, and my heart has been gripped to pray and intercede for you. I haven't commented before, because like you said, I don't know what to say. But I realize how important it must be for you to know that people are praying - even those you don't know. Last week I felt impressed to have my community group pray for you and for Logan as well. So, know that some of us over here in Virginia are praying for you! I pray for your strength and peace and most of all for complete healing for your precious son!
ReplyDelete(((((BigHugs))))) I also read and pray daily. My heart aches for yours.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog daily, pray multiple times a day for Logan's complete healing and pray for your spirit to be renewed.
ReplyDeleteSherry, my heart if broken for you, Logan, and your whole family. You're so right, it's hard to even know what to say. I want to write from my heart but I never want to say anything that will make your hour, your day, your week harder or more emotional than it already undoubtedly is. Please know that we pray daily, we cry often, we beg Jesus to touch Logan and heal him and restore him to full health, we spread the word to others who are anxious to be Logan's prayer warriors....I know that all of this only gets the tip of the ice berg and there's nothing that would help more than to be able to see it actually reflected in yours and Logan's daily life...Praying for this! Praying for God to give you strong and regular signs that He is at work. Pain, grief, the sense of hopelessness, extreme exhaustion ~ it's all a very tough battle. I know God is stronger but sometimes it's hard to really comprehend and feel that. I am praying Sherry.
ReplyDeleteI also want you to know that we have many, many friends who pray regularly for Logan. I know it's "invisible" in a sense to you, so that it doesn't feel like there are many somedays, but there really is a "Logan Army" across our country.
Love you guys so, so much.
Hey there, my friend. I know that I have never walked in your shoes before, but I can attempt to imagine, in a weeping with those who weep sense, and I do know what it feels like to be so lost in a storm that you really don't think it will ever end, or that you will ever truly be able to laugh and love again.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, my friend. And for Adam and Abby and Isaac and Brady. And I do know, from this side of my own storms, that God does hear these prayers... not because of the eloquence of our words or even because of the number of words and prayers offered to Him, but simply because He made a way for our prayers to be heard and counted-- through the death and resurrection of His very own Son. On this side of my storms, I know that He loves you immeasurably. And your family, including your sweet Logan. Trusting in His love for all of you. ::prayers and hugs::
I just wanted you to know that I check your blog every day for updates and I am always reading and praying for you and your family. I am so sorry for all that your family, especially Logan, is going through. I am also very sorry that you are so sad. I know that nothing I can say can make the sadness go away but I did want you to know that I am here reading along and praying for you everyday.
ReplyDeleteSherry, I, like so many others who are praying for you across the USA, have never met you, yet I feel like I know you because of how much of yourself you share in your blogs. I find that I am very much like you in so many ways, and that is perhaps why I can identify with so many of your feelings as you go through this terribly difficult time. When Christine first asked for prayer warriors for Logan (September, I think), I committed to praying for you all, and all of my family continues to keep up with your blogs and praying for your family. I wish we could understand all of God's thoughts and His ways, but we sure don't. I do know that He loves your sweet Logan more than what we could imagine and is holding him close to Himself. Love to all of you!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to say that I have been praying for your family, complete healing and restoration of Logans health. I wanted to share my blog post that I wrote its been a bit ago to give you hope. Thanks for reading, I do hope you enjoy!
ReplyDeletein Christs love, Paris
http://funinthesonthegolecfamilytimes.blogspot.com/2011/03/is-there-storm-brewing.html
Ironic that you mentioned how hard it is to get up each morning. Just this morning I was having a hard time waking up with one of my twin 3 year olds because he always gets up so early but immediately you popped in my head. I thought, what must it be like for Sherry trying to start each day knowing the extremely hard days she is facing? I quickly pulled myself together and thought I have nothing to complain about.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog every night and am amazed at how you do it. So wish I did not live as far as Minnesota so I could physically help your family. Your family and Logan are always in my prayers and in my heart.
Sherry, Logan WILL be whole and healed. I am claiming this victory along with everyone else.
ReplyDeleteDon't lose hope ~
I've read every single entry. You're always on my mind and in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteWhile I am new to your posts, I will pray for your family and for Logan's full healing. I know it's easy for me to say, but know you are not alone. There are many here who care!
ReplyDelete