Fear

I've been feeling a lot of fear lately. A lot of stress, a lot of anxiety. And in my weakest moments, a lot of gut-busting terror. While the tight feelings wane at times and I feel more hopeful again, those times are rare. So most of the time, I'm quietly living in fear.

We're 11 days from the next MRI. And I've been a woman obsessed, watching Logan like a hawk, analyzing every single move he makes, looking for anything and everything that could indicate a problem.

That in and of itself wouldn't be such a huge deal; it's the very truth that I DO see things that could be indicative of issues that's the problem. There are his mood shifts. They could be explained away by the bevy of drugs he's on, including the new ones: An appetite stimulant with some steroidal qualities and a powerful antibiotic. We know that he doesn't handle steroids well at all, from our prior experience with decadron. But still, it's something I observe. The other big thing I've noted is his eye placement. I've watched helplessly, it feels, as his eye has become increasingly off-kilter in recent weeks. It's hard to remember precisely what it looked like for a while since he was happily playing with Abby, Isaac and Brady much of the time, thoroughly implanted in kid-world. But still I worry. I neuro check him every chance I get, making him track items with both eyes while holding his head stiff. He can do it. And his eyes appear to track equal directions. But his right eye is set more inwardly, so to speak. And he seems to have more trouble with controlling it and holding it to look at something straight-on. When he got up this morning, it was especially crazy and off-kilter looking; in my eyes, worse than I'd seen it looking in months. And of course, the stomach-rending panic set in immediately. And I felt like I couldn't breathe. I'm like a fully-loaded freight train charging, lumbering down a track toward eminent disaster.

But the thing is, I know I shouldn't view it that way. I know that when I'm weak, I'm especially prone to attacks. This IS a spiritual battle and I'm on the front line. So it stands to reason that things would look crazy.

But that's the thing about the devil: He's a master of illusion. When I've felt panic set in at times over the past weeks, I've heard a small voice cheering me on, saying 'don't look at that; look UP'. And sometimes I have, but more often that not, I've been consumed with fear and worry of the very worst kind.

I could probably go on and on with these observations and my feelings. But the most productive thing for me to do is to rally Logan's troops once again, and in a powerful, renewed sort of way. I beg all of you to intercede for Logan's sustained health and healing; for outward signs of health and healing. Because the devil knows how those suspicious outward signs send me into a tailspin. I ask you to pray for our family as well; for Abby, who at 6 years old, has been asked to cope with emotional turmoil far beyond anything that's 'fair' for someone her age. And for the rest of us, for hope, for faith, for widsom, for peace.

I beg all of you to please stop right now and pray for these things; I beg you to take up the armor and help; to remind your warrior friends to join in and to invite new help as we continue along the path.

Thank you and have a blessed weekend.