When his nurse this evening noticed that his chemo port dressing was loose, she decided it was time for a change, and there's little that Logan likes less than a dressing change. I held his hands and repeatedly asked him to look at me; he cried for daddy. When I finally managed to capture his gaze for longer than 3 seconds, I mentioned that his birthday is next month. (It's July 31st.) I asked him if he knew how old he'd be, and he said 5. Then I asked him what was special about being 5. After just a brief pause, he gained a sudden little burst of energy and replied, sincerity and excitement in his eyes,
You get to go to kindergarten when you're 5.
Right then and there, I caught my breath and felt my heart shatter into a million pieces: He's not going to kindergarten this Fall. And I realized that we'd have to tell him that truth at some point. It burned to realize that I'd have to disappoint him yet again, because you know, he hasn't already been through enough pain and disappointment.
It never occurred to me that kindergarten was even on his radar screen. I figured that school would be one of the last things on his mind, but no, he wants to make friends and have a routine and learn. And I can't give him that yet. It's so unfair. It's all just so horribly unfair. I know I say that a lot, but it's a foundational truth that I simply can't escape. There's nothing that will ever make this experience fair, and I suspect that on one level or another, I'll struggle with that truth indefinitely. But it is what it is.
Anyway, I don't have much else to write at the moment. I'm tired and largely uninspired, and have felt myself sink to a low place in recent days.
Building you back up in prayer - holding your arms up. Trusting God to work all things for your good - even this. Praying for baby Brady too!! I have Bradley, now 13, and memories come flooding back when I read about your little Brady...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, hon. I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. Your family will win this, and then Logan will have years, decades - a lifetime - in which to make friends, play and do all the things he deserves to do. I don't know if I ever told you, but when I was about 7, I had a year-long fight with hep b (which, at that time, carried about a 50% mortality rate for kids) and missed out on a year and a half of school. The teacher sent me the same assignments all the other kids were doing in class and I got to feel like I was a part of it, even though I was in the hospital the entire time. It didn't scar me. In fact, I barely even remember it now. So, I guess what I'm saying is, it's going to be all right. We are always thinking about your family and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLifting you all up in prayer today, tomorrow, and always. <3
ReplyDeleteI wish I could do more than tell you how sorry I am that your family has to suffer from this horrible disease. (((hugs)))
I wish there was something I could tangibly do, Sherry. I hate seeing/hearing you all hurting in this way. It makes my heart cry.
ReplyDeleteI know how much Logan must want to be around friends, new and old, and to be just doing the things that all 5 year olds are doing. It is more than unfair.
I am praying for God to heal Logan, but also to create an unexplainable peace in you and in Logan, especially when unforeseen conversations come up that cause the emotions to come on strong. Ugh. I wish you guys weren't dealing with this.
Praying for miracles.
Just wanted to let you know that we are still here, reading along and praying for Logan's healing and strength as often as we can, and for you and your family too. --the Stikeleathers
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Sherry. That made me hurt, too.
ReplyDeleteKris
Still here keeping updated & praying. Grip God's hand tightly & keep talking to Him. And when you are too exhausted to do so, know we are doing it for you. Hugs and prayers, Nancy
ReplyDeleteYou are right...it is SO UNFAIR!!! Keeping up the prayers.
ReplyDeleteDear Sherry,
ReplyDeleteI know it seems impossible right now for Logan to go to school in the Fall, but remember, he can have school come to him. The school district is obliged to educate Logan despite his treatment. So if he is well enough the school district can send a kindergarten teacher to him!
Still Praying,
Faith
I know it may seem so distant right now but it IS possible. Maybe that can be part of this miraculous story. If you don't have the energy to 'keep the faith' right now, that is what the rest of us are here for. We will keep praying for that. It is part of his heart's desire to go to school so we will say prayers for that.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the status on the release date? I hope and pray with all my might that you get some relief from this soon.
I'm praying for Logan to be fully well, and able to attend a school soon, so that he can learn and make new friends and resume his life. I'm also praying for our Lord to support you and the rest of your family, to uplift and encourage you.
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