Lately, I've spent a lot of time looking for Logan. I guess that sounds a little bit crazy, but I'm a mom. A stay-at-home mom. Part of my full-time job is to make sure I know where my kids are 24/7. It eats away at me that I can't just look up and see Logan anymore. So I've asked God --repeatedly-- to 'show' me that Logan still 'is'. And that he's happy and okay; better than okay, really. I don't expect to see him, per se, but I hope for signs. Just little things that will serve to show me, on a daily basis, that even though I can't hold him, hug him, see him smile or watch him dance, I will indeed be able to do all of those things again some day. One Sweet Day.
So for now, my plan is to build a library of sorts comprised of those littlest things that come my way.
Otherwise, I think I'm feeling better since my last entry. I have ups and downs. Dramatic ones. I wonder, at times, if I'll ever feel a sense of uninhibited happiness ever again during this life. It's really not a new concept for me; I've suffered from ups and downs throughout the course of my lifetime. Ironically, the last time I experienced a serious down, it was Logan who pulled me out of it. He was a toddler and just the sweetest little thing; how could I possible stay down with someone so wonderful in my life? Sometimes the irony of the whole thing just... gets me.
It's completely cliche and true to psychology books, but sometimes I'll be feeling just fine and then something stupid and trivial will make me absolutely dissolve into tears. It could be frustration over a non-productive conversation with a friend. It could be a weather forecast. It could be a song on the radio. There's a new one from Lady Antebellum that I keep hearing on the radio that's made me both cry and laugh in recent weeks. It's called Dancing Away With My Heart and is about a last dance shared by a couple of high schoolers; in my mind, I manipulate the chorus a little so it sounds a little like this....
I haven't seen you in ages
Sometimes I find myself wondering where you are
For me you'll always be five... and beautiful
And dancing away with my heart
It totally changes the intended meaning of the song, but I think part of the purpose of music is to feel it; to make it relevant to life as it's lived.
In every day life, we're about to embark on a week-long barrage of birthday parties. Isaac is invited to a whopping three parties this week. It'll be fun. I love watching him enjoy himself, even if my heart isn't completely into the concept of celebrating birthdays right now.
Anyway, that's where I am. For now.