You'll have to forgive me, because I can feel this entry bubbling up from deep within, and it may be ugly. Unpleasant. Ranting. But I need to get it out.
You know what hurts me more than anything? What drives a dagger into my heart like nothing else? The most horrible thing anyone can say to me? "It was all God's will." I'll go to my own grave knowing that what happened to my sweet boy wasn't God's will. It infuriates me that so many good Christian people would ever even entertain the notion that a horror like the one we suffered was 'God's will'. That's crap. Pure, 100%, bona fide crap. I know why people say it. It's a platitude. It's supposed to somehow put a band aid on a gaping, festering wound. It's a pat response designed to make it all okay.
But it's a LIE and it doesn't help at all. As I've said numerous times in the past, evil runs rampant in this corrupt world. Things don't happen as God planned them to happen. No. God doesn't will for young girls to be raped at knife point, for people to die in horrific accidents, for teens to be bullied to the point of turning to suicide. To say 'it was God's will' is an insult to God. With Christians making such claims, it's no surprise that so many people turn away from God. How are we supposed to seek solace in a God who wills such horrible things? What's the point of faith or prayer or hope? No, that statement is a falsehood.
What's TRUE is that God brings unimaginable good out of horrible circumstances. I'm still chewing on this. I'm wondering what kind of good is in store for us, what kind of great thing will come out of my sometimes-unbearable heartache.
So far, I've seen one glimmer. A friend of a friend is a jewelry designer. She'd been working with a mom who's creating care packages for moms who lose babies, trying to come up with a design for a pendant that could be used in said packages. She read my tribute to Logan, and found her muse in the words and actions of one of Logan's doctors. Although not initially intended to be a permanent piece of her collection, the piece drew plenty of interest, and she's added it to her website under a new section called 'In Remembrance'. Best of all, net proceeds from the sale of the necklace will go to the Cure ATRT Fund at Dana Farber. It won't bring Logan back to us, but it warms my icy heart to know that more money will make its way to a fund dedicated to eradicating that horrific disease. You can see the piece she created by clicking here.
What else. I don't know. There are a lot of things I'd like to say, but I tend to zip my lips because I don't want to offend. I guess I could lightly gloss over a subject I fear treading with a simple remark: If someone invites anyone and everyone to a memorial service, please attend if you're able. It means a lot to feel supported. It means everything in those first few weeks, actually. When people don't show... it's painful. I won't say anything else on the subject. Just know that there were no engraved invitations sent out. I spread the word as best I could. Everyone was invited. And I hoped anyone available would attend. It was a beautiful, wonderful day, but there were people missing who could've been there and I felt it.
I guess that's it. I have nothing pretty or inspirational to say. I've gotten to a place where people don't contact me anymore to say hi. I know I'm not asking; I can't. I wouldn't know what to ask *for*. I'm not in a great place and I'd like nothing better than to just stay in bed all day so I don't have to see the happy families out and about or listen to the moms berating their 5-year old boys for silly infractions of some unstated behavioral code. But I know I can't do that. Life marches on, even if I don't feel like being in the the parade.
You are still in my daily prayers.
ReplyDeleteIt is difficult sometimes for people to make an effort. I had 232 'happy birthday' messages on Facebook, but only 1 RSVP to a birthday party. I feel like people are so into offering e-support, but many don't want to get away from the computer and come to a real event. (Of course that doesn't apply to friends who aren't local.)
ReplyDeletePeople also have to face their own fears at memorial services. It's the same reason some people won't make hospital visits. I think it is a very selfish reason not to go. Years after my car accidents, I am in pain every day and terrified to drive on the highway. But I do it, so that I can be there for people when it matters.
I am sure this has helped you understand who is really there for you--which is very valuable. My condolences.
You are such an inspiration...and I mean that whole-heartedly. You have stated the truth and I am thankful that you continue to stand for what you believe. You are still very much in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDelete'or listen to the moms berating their 5-year old boys for silly infractions of some unstated behavioral code' (this is what brought me to tears). So true - for boys and girls of all ages - it's all such a waste when we aren't living out the Word. It brought this to mind:
Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God's favor) to those who hear it. Eph. 4:29 AMP
We have so much to be thankful for everyday - no matter what our circumstances say. One of your fb posts reminded me of just that, and helped me put things back into a more proper perspective on a particularly rough day. ; ) You're doing great Sherry...even when it feels like everything is in shambles around you...because God is always with you and He is your ever present help in time of need - always faithful.
Love and hugs from TX.
I really appreciate the honesty in your posts. The celebration of Logan's life was wonderful and I am so glad that I went and brought my daughter to it. You and your family are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI still think of you and Logan and your whole family and will for many years to come. I'm thousands of miles away but I can send virtual {{{Hugs}}} and prayers.
ReplyDeleteSherry, I too continue to pray for each of you daily. You and he have been especially close to my heart today. As you mentioned after his celebration of life service, Megan saw the Amador baseball team playing 'team Logan' which which was really James Logan. Well, Foothill baseball played them today and I am thrilled to report that the jerseys still simply say 'Logan' not James Logan. I take it as another wink from heaven; just like every time I see and hear the word JOY since mom died this summer. Love, Sharon
ReplyDeleteI wish I lived near you so I could have joined in your tribute to this angel. I didn't find your story until after God took Logan Home. My friends and I did dedicate a day to remember him on this side of the country. In between prayers for your family, we celebrated life. I can't express how much Logan changed the way I live my life. I went from a shy quiet girl who only cared what those around thought, to not even being able to care about any mean thing anyone might be thinking.
ReplyDeleteI live in Nevada and have very little to offer, but if there is anything at all, any time day or night... I am here. If you would like, I can send you my number. You can send me endless texts. I have no idea what you yourself are going through, but I am more than willing to sit and listen, to cry with you, to pray with you.
I wish I knew what to say. I'm so sorry.
The locket is so beautiful and special. I plan to purchase one for my friend who lost her baby. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding us who have healthy children how the little misbehaviors should not ruin our day. I have much to be grateful for and your posts remind me not to take it for granted.
ReplyDeleteKari J's mom here again... I check the blog and read your posts often, but don't comment as often as I should. You and the family are in my prayers throughout the days, every day. As people tend to move on, I know that they don't reach out to you as often as they need to. My girls felt that perceived diminishing support very painfully after their father died. I can only pray that you know how many people are still thinking of you and praying daily. Also, there is the fact that many people who were touched by Logan's life and your posts are daily "paying it forward" often without fanfare. I hope that the knowledge of this ongoing silent wave of support can somehow comfort and help sustain you through the depths of your loss.
ReplyDeleteYours in Christ,
Peggy
Sherry, I still think about you and pray for your family. I do check your blog daily for updates and I'm sorry that I don't always reply right away. I am often at a loss for the right words. Just wanted you to know that I am here for you and I wish there was some way I could offer some help to you.
ReplyDeleteHi Sherry, I just read your post...and I know you don't know me, but I just want you to know how sorry I am for everything you're going through.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, you have a right to be angry. Depressed. Hurt. Furious. Sad. Devastated Confused, not understanding why this would happen to your Logan. To you. To your family.
I am sending you big hugs, and I am praying for you and your family. I think about you often.
This is an incredibly difficult time...and it is completely understandable that you're having feelings of not wanting to get out of bed. You're heartbroken.
Even though I don't know you, it's clear that you're an absolutely phenomenal mom - and I cannot even begin to express how sorry I am for your loss.