But at any rate, I'm still here, still going through the motions. Still getting older and hopefully a little wiser with each day that passes. Still having good days and then bad days and then more good days. I think that's just how my life will play out now; I think I'll have a spate of those really good days when I can feel the sunshine on my face and really embrace the good things --the worthwhile things-- in life. But I know I'll have other days when I just want to hide; when the emotion will surface regardless of whether or not I want it to. And I know sometimes it will get the best of me and I'll wind up embarrassed over objecting to some well-meaning person's words. But that's all okay. I don't think I'd be fully human if I "got over it," because that's not a fully human thing to do. You don't get over it. You learn to live with it. And you learn to extend grace to those around you who simply don't get it. And I'm working on mastering all of that. It's a deeply painful and challenging process.
If nothing else, I think I'm trying. That's kind of vague, I suppose, but my thinking is muddled these days. I mean that I'm moving forward. 2014 saw me trying (and liking, as much as it shocked me) skinny jeans. It saw me taking more interest is my health and dropping a few extra pounds that I didn't need. It saw me conducting a slew of interviews with celebs, some better known than others, but all interesting in their own distinctive ways. It saw me running a full-fledged 5K from start to finish, carried only by the miraculous strength of God. It saw me accepting an invitation to become a deacon at our church. It saw me dressing up like a neon rainbow on crack to dance an '80s themed routine in front of a theater full of people. It saw me continuing to parent Abby, Isaac, and Brady while continuing to keep Logan alive in their minds and hearts. It saw me trying to figure out how marriage works after you've lost a child (because it truly isn't the same). It saw me beginning to realize that growing and changing isn't the mark of disloyalty to someone special who's moved on; rather it's a sign that you're looking forward to seeing him again, whenever it is that Someday arrives. It's a sign of life taking root and beginning to flourish once again.
It also saw me unearthing other issues from my past; other hurts that I'd successfully buried for so long that I audibly gasped when I finally opened that chest, pulled them out, and looked them in the eye. But those things... they don't own me. And before I bury them for good, I'm going to make peace with them, even if it's hard.
So that's where I am. Still here. Still learning every single day. Still trying to be humble and kind and patient, and often failing. But I'm trying. And sometimes, that's all I can ask of myself.