In the Silence

I've been quiet. I've spent a lot of time holding my tongue, mostly because it does no good to annoy people who can't possibly understand how it feels to be, well, me. I guess that sounds a little self-involved, but that's me right now: utterly self-involved. I think it'd be impossible for me to be just about any other way. So I have to be okay with it. And by extension, so do others. Maybe that's not fair. I don't know.

I went by Logan's preschool class graduation a few weeks ago. It was incredibly difficult. I can usually stifle emotion, but as I sat outside waiting for the ceremony to begin, I couldn't contain the overwhelming sadness. And once I went inside, I couldn't help feeling like I was raining on someone else's parade; the special day of kids who lived long enough to officially graduate from preschool and enter kindergarten. I've heard a lot of friends lamenting the end of their children's final days in preschool lately, but I can tell you this: it's such an unadulterated blessing to get to watch your kids finish a year of school. And it rips my heart out to hear and see those complaints. Sorry, but it's true. It's hurtful, though I fully acknowledge that no one probably thinks that the words are hurtful. And all in all, I guess that's okay. It has to be. My pain and loss are at the forefront of my own mind, but I know it's not fair to expect anyone else to be thinking about them. Especially not in the face of what are major life events for them. Major life events that I'll never have with my Logan. But anyway.

I just wanted to check in for a moment since it's been a while. Abby's last day of school is tomorrow, so the summer is upon us. I just need to figure out, eventually, how I feel about that.