I mean, all of the holidays since Logan went Home have been challenging, but yesterday... different level. And I'm not entirely sure why. It's probably because of the meaning and intention behind Thanksgiving. Maybe I'm an ingrate, but it's very hard for me to be grateful this year. It's hard to look back and remember the hell we've suffered and express gratitude. It's hard to wake up crying in the middle of the night. It's hard to remember how it felt to hold Logan as he drew his last breath. It's trauma. It's not something I'm just going to move beyond right now; maybe not ever. But definitely not yet.
I don't know. I guess that's not fair of me. But it's my life. My reality. And no amount of preaching by others or reflection on all that I DO have can outweigh our tremendously painful loss. Unless you've been where we are... no, you don't understand and you can't really relate. That doesn't mean I don't want you to talk to me. Not at all! It just means that it doesn't help to hear things like 'oh, I totally get it' when no, you don't.
But anyway. We had a nice dinner with Adam's extended family. But if I'm honest, my heart wasn't in it. I wanted to be at home, wearing pajamas, cuddled in my big comfy recliner, wrapped up in my plush heated blanket, watching something completely trivial on TV. Maybe it's hiding, though I'm more inclined to call it surviving.
On the bright side, I took Abby out for a little Black Friday shopping this morning. At Bath and Body Works, I picked up some sparkly Twisted Peppermint Shimmer Spray, not because I want to smell like candy, but because Logan loved it. I remember him watching me get ready in the morning, and can still hear him chirping 'use the sparkly stuff!' He'd take the bottle, spritz it on my forearms for me, and then happily note my shimmering skin. The memory fills my heart with warmth. And that's just what I need these days.
"And no amount of preaching by others or reflection on all that I DO have can outweigh our tremendously painful loss. Unless you've been where we are... no, you don't understand and you can't really relate... it doesn't help to hear things like 'oh, I totally get it' when no, you don't."
ReplyDeleteExactly. Your feelings and situation ARE completely unique, and nobody can or does feel what you feel.
And nobody should say they do... but it is in our nature to try and relate, even if it's pretend.
As for anyone who tries to remind you of all you have: Screw them. You now know what you have possibly more than you ever did before. People can be so cold.
I don't know your pain, but every time you post you help me to remember that I don't ever want to know it, and that I'd better hold on to every moment with my babies for dear, precious life.
As a mother and someone who has experienced trauma similar to but worlds apart from yours, I thank you for the un-sugar-coated honesty you offer on this blog. It's rare, it wakes me up, and it makes me want to love as hard as I can.
Sherry ....My thoughts were with you throughout this holiday and I wish I had the right words. I never feel as though I do, but I certainly wish you peace and love my friend. God bless
ReplyDeleteRodney
I am so sorry that you had a hard Thanksgiving. But I love that you do things that Logan liked, like the body spray. I love that he is still such a part of your everyday life.
ReplyDeleteI think everyone of your feelings is justified and that this year of "firsts "without Logan is without a doubt going to be "beyond words" difficult. You don't know me but I have followed your blog, your heartache and your loss with never ending tears for you and your family. My faith has been strengthened, stressed and tested by the "life and loss of Logan. He is missed by those of us who never had the pleasure of meeting him!
ReplyDelete