Life feels utterly overwhelming right now. VBS is hard to take. I remember how much Logan enjoyed the two years he attended. It's hard to see the kids who would've been his classmates. It's hard to see the parents who know what happened to us but don't say a word about it. I guess that sounds weird, but one of my biggest fears is that Logan will be forgotten. I fear the day when people stop talking about him. I fear the time when it'll become commonplace for me to say 'well, I have one more child, too...'
On top of that, Isaac's OT evaluation is tomorrow. At CHO. The OT office is in the main hospital building, not far from the room where Logan departed this life. I've not been back there since that day. I'm honestly not sure if I'll be able to go inside. I remember how hard it was to go inside Logan's preschool classroom for the graduation ceremony he was denied. I remember how the feeling of sorrow was so powerful that it seemed to rip away at my very flesh. And now going back... I just don't know how it'll hit me.
And of course, the impending birthday. I cried a lot today. The first few times, they were random tears. Of sadness, of course. Rooted in missing my sunny boy. But the third happened when I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom, flipping through an album containing his artwork. I came across the invitations he'd written to his friends. Invitations to a birthday party that won't happen. I remember snatches of the day that he wrote them out. It seemed silly at the time; his birthday is July 31, yet there he was in October of last year, writing out personalized invitations asking his friends to please come to his birthday party. We'll do what he wanted to do, but there won't be a cake or candles or a happy birthday song. There won't be a birthday boy turning six years old. Nothing makes that any better. But I know that it has to be okay because nothing can change it. It's just... not.
Before I lie down once again to try to rest (knowing full well that I'll probably wind up staring at the ceiling for an hour yet again), I want to take a moment to thank everyone who's reached out to me these past months. Even if I haven't been responsive, I've appreciated the contact. The effort. Because I'm not going to reach out right now. I can't. I'm too busy using my own hands to try to hold the pieces of my heart together.
Sherry... We all wish we could help hold the pieces of your heart together for you and Adam, and the kiddos. Know that prayers continue to be said and although we don't know how to help, so many would do ANYTHING. You are amazing... Your strength and grace through life's journey are truly incredible.
ReplyDeleteSherry, I just want you to know that Logan will never be forgotten. I think of your little sunshine everyday and check here for updates everyday. I know I don't always post and I'm sorry. But please know I am thinking of you and Logan a lot.
ReplyDeleteI took my youngest daughter to "meet the teacher" the other day. Back to the school where Stephen won't start 2nd grade. Back to hallways he once walked but never again...It was a hard as I imagined it would be, maybe worse. I will be thinking of you as you walk the halls at CHO and "celebrate" a birthday without your sweet boy.
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ReplyDeleteWe think and talk about Logan every day...no exaggeration. I think about him SO much, and Derek and McKenzie both bring his name up often to talk about him, ask more questions, or just say that they want to see him and grampa Steve one day in Heaven.
I'd venture to say that I think I cry more tears thinking about Logan on any given Sunday morning (as we are singing deeply emotional songs) than I ever have about my dad....I don't know if that is strange or not. I think because of going on the "journey" (more like battle) with Logan over the last couple years and just having been so completely hopeful and prayerful that God would pull him through it, makes it all the more torturous. My dad battled, but it was an inward battle...one that he didn't really let us see much of. And then, he was gone. I miss him like crazy...but he had a very full life. A good life. One that although was cut too short, I almost see some of the weird positives of things he did not have to suffer as he aged (long line of Alzheimers on his side of the family, and LOTS of depression). It's just so much more painful, agonizing to think that Logan, such an amazing and sweet child, didn't get to have more time here on earth with you guys, with all the world. It's just unfair.
I'm sorry, the last thing you need is more negativism.
Praying often for you Sherry. You and your loved ones. And always, always asking Jesus to say hi to Logan for us...until we get to see him again one day.
My sorrow is nothing so great as yours, Sherry, but I know how difficult church events can be as a mom of two stillborn daughters. This year would have been our little Isobella Raine's first communion. My husband and I unashamedly cried at mass watching all the boys and girls receiving Jesus for the first time.
ReplyDeleteWe've made many mistakes but one thing that's kept our marriage together for 25 years is the love we share for our kids here and in heaven. We talk about them all the time. Keep blogging and sharing, Sherry. We haven't forgot and neither has Our Lord.
Love, mar
Thank you, Mar. That's beautiful.
DeleteGirl, you keep using those hands to hold your heart together. And know that there are many of us out here helping to cradle and hold the hearts of your entire family!!! As always when I comment on your blog, I have NO idea what to say and yet I feel the need to say ANYTHING, just so you know you have one more person here. And I'm still afraid that I'll say the wrong thing, or the worst thing, so if I do I hope you know that it is all with the most love and best intentions. But I can't say NOTHING.
ReplyDeleteThe past 2 weeks, and for 2 weeks more, it is "Logan's Days" in our apartment. We are remembering the AMAZING soul we never got to meet (yet!) and living the way it seems he did; pure joy, uninhibited happiness. (There is even random dancing going on, even from shy me- no matter who is watching!!)
Once again, I am so sorry for the pain you have to feel. I wish so much I could help, or at least know the right things to say to you. Your boy will never EVER be forgotten. His life touched my home so much, and I know his story has touched anyone who heard it- I promise he will be remembered every day, all over.