I mean, all of the holidays since Logan went Home have been challenging, but yesterday... different level. And I'm not entirely sure why. It's probably because of the meaning and intention behind Thanksgiving. Maybe I'm an ingrate, but it's very hard for me to be grateful this year. It's hard to look back and remember the hell we've suffered and express gratitude. It's hard to wake up crying in the middle of the night. It's hard to remember how it felt to hold Logan as he drew his last breath. It's trauma. It's not something I'm just going to move beyond right now; maybe not ever. But definitely not yet.
I don't know. I guess that's not fair of me. But it's my life. My reality. And no amount of preaching by others or reflection on all that I DO have can outweigh our tremendously painful loss. Unless you've been where we are... no, you don't understand and you can't really relate. That doesn't mean I don't want you to talk to me. Not at all! It just means that it doesn't help to hear things like 'oh, I totally get it' when no, you don't.
But anyway. We had a nice dinner with Adam's extended family. But if I'm honest, my heart wasn't in it. I wanted to be at home, wearing pajamas, cuddled in my big comfy recliner, wrapped up in my plush heated blanket, watching something completely trivial on TV. Maybe it's hiding, though I'm more inclined to call it surviving.
On the bright side, I took Abby out for a little Black Friday shopping this morning. At Bath and Body Works, I picked up some sparkly Twisted Peppermint Shimmer Spray, not because I want to smell like candy, but because Logan loved it. I remember him watching me get ready in the morning, and can still hear him chirping 'use the sparkly stuff!' He'd take the bottle, spritz it on my forearms for me, and then happily note my shimmering skin. The memory fills my heart with warmth. And that's just what I need these days.
